Borderlines
by dontkeepmehere
Summary: Rachel always thought she had clear boundaries. Rules. Things not to do. Then she met Jesse again. Then she saw Shelby again. Then she joined Vocal Adrenaline. She was crossing borderlines far too quickly. Finchel briefly, St. Berry eventually.
1. Chapter 1  9 Crimes

Losing Kurt had hit everyone hard. Everyone tried to act nice and support him but you couldn't just be perfect friends after a fracture like that; like all breaks, there were scars the wouldn't heal. Rachel had come out of it the best, if anything Kurt and Rachel were closer because of it. As she sat in silence nursing her coffee, Kurt sat across from her in his Dalton uniform, she thought maybe it had been for the best. Maybe.

"So who will be there on Saturday?" She asked trying not to sound nervous. On Saturday, Kurt was going to a fancy party with the rest of the Dalton boys and she was her strictly platonic date. Rachel wouldn't know anyone that was going and it scared her a little. She could sing in front of thousands of strangers but hold a conversation with them? Never.

"A lot, it's Blaine's friend's birthday and his family have more money than sense. They've invited everyone to this party." He locked eyes with her and smiled reassuringly. "Rachel, don't worry about it. It's just a birthday party"

"I'm not worried," she answered immediately, her nervous tone belied her statement.

"So how's Finn?"

Finn. Rachel never knew what to say in response. Kurt invariably asked her this question every week and it was getting difficult to answer honestly. They'd been going out for months now: Rachel didn't know how many. Immediately after the Jesse incident they'd hooked up and now, months later, they were still together.

"He's fine. I think he's finding it all a bit stressful but everyone is," Rachel stared into her coffee, trying to think of something, anything else to say. In truth Finn was being horrible, he cared more about his stupid reputation than he did about Rachel. As much as she tried to ignore it that hurt Rachel. It hurt a lot. "He's cool with me going to Saturday though."

"Good. What are you going to wear?"

"No idea."

"Come on. We need to find you something, I refuse to go with you in one of your reindeer jumpers." He pulled her up and they left the coffee shop. Leaving the worried about Finn, the panic about Saturday and two untouched cups of coffee behind them.

* * *

><p>"I hate black tie," Rachel moaned to Kurt as they sat through boring speeches addressed to the birthday boy. She'd probably be more interested if she knew who the birthday boy was, all she knew was that she was a friend of Blaine and was called Andrew. The party so far had been dull, really dull. She was seated on a table with five other guys from The Warblers and their dates. Kurt had ignored her for most of it and aside from the perfectly cooked meal that had been served before the speeches there was <em>nothing <em> good about this party.

"Why do you hate black tie?" Kurt asked. "I think everyone looks amazing."

"It reminds me of your fathers wedding," she mumbled, not wanting to interrupt the speech and not wanting to listen to it either.

"I can't see any comparisons. You made a ugly bridesmaid, tonight you look stunning."

"I'm sure there's a compliment in there somewhere," Rachel quipped. They both knew it was true. Bridesmaids never looked cute and red wasn't the best colour on Rachel. Tonight she wore a dusky, pale pink dress that was a couple of inches shorter than the red one. It had a tight, satin bodice and the skirt was made of layers of organza with a flower motif. Her hair was set in thick glamour curls and her heels were very high. It wasn't really important how she looked, Rachel liked the dress because it made her feel stunning. It made her feel taller and more attractive. It made her breasts look bigger than they really were. She looked older as well. The dress made Rachel feel like one of the pretty girls she'd longed to be before.

"Thanks Kurt," she whispered. She meant more than 'thanks for the compliment', or 'the help with the dress'. She meant thank you for the support. Thank you for taking me out tonight. Thank you for making me forget Finn. Thank you for everything. Even though she knew Kurt wouldn't understand she felt a little better after saying thank you.

The speeches were over. The Warblers performed, an artistic rendition of _Happy Birthday _and then _Simply the Best _with slightly altered lyrics for the birthday boy. Rachel had to admit it was very cute. Looking at Kurt and Blaine sing she knew that this was for the best. Kurt was happy and that was important. Originally the members of Glee had criticized Kurt for running away from his demons, now Rachel was doing the same. Ignoring her problems with school life and Finn and running around with Kurt and Blaine.

Still running around with them was fun, Rachel thought as she swayed in Kurt's arms. He was, and always had been, a very good dancer. They were both good dancers, New Directions' choreography had never showed their talents off. The music was too fast to dance properly to. Kurt insisted on spinning Rachel around as though they were ballroom dancing despite the terrible song. It was almost as though they were dancing to some imagined beat that only they could hear. Rachel peeked over Kurt's shoulder to see Blaine talking to the band. Predictably the song switched to something a lot slower and more romantic. There was tap on Rachel's back.

"Mind if I cut in?" Blaine asked.

"No," Rachel said. "He's all yours."

She left the dance floor then. Watching them dance together was touching. They were close together, almost too close, barely moving as the music played. They were whispering to each other, head rested on shoulders and hand intertwined. It could almost be a scene from a movie, they were so perfect together. Yet it wasn't a scene from a movie, they weren't the happy prince and princess dancing together. They were two teenage boys.

That only made it better. There was no love it movies, no deep connection between the prince and princess. Between Kurt and Blaine there was a connection. You could see it as they danced close together, as though the world would stop if more than an inch separated them. They were in love. It showed. It was beautiful.

"It's nice isn't it," a boy asked from beside Rachel, nodding towards the couple. She suspected he was in the Warblers with them.

"It's lovely," Rachel replied sounding distant. "Kurt deserves to be happy."

* * *

><p>Towards the end of the party Rachel found herself at the bar. She loved being around Kurt but sometimes his happiness annoyed her. She was pleased for Kurt. If anyone deserved to be happy it was Kurt. Still when you're miserable being around the perfectly happy couple stung a little. Rachel hid at the bar, running away from more problems as she drank. Getting alcohol had never been a problem, what Rachel wanted Rachel got.<p>

"Tequila, please," Rachel said her throat feeling oddly dry. The shot glass was quickly emptied but not refilled. She could get wasted but was it really a good idea? No. "Tequila, please," forget being sensible for once.

"I didn't have you down tequila drinker," Rachel didn't need to turn around to know who was talking to her.

"I didn't have you down as a jerk," She turned and stared at Jesse St. James "A lot has changed."

"Are you annoyed with me?"Jesse asked. Rachel wondered if he was really that dense, then felt oddly guilty for judging him.

Rachel thought. What he had done to her had hurt. She had almost thrown a performance because of his actions and the diva inside Rachel knew that was dreadful. Yet she didn't hate him. She felt numb. Apathetic. Tired.

"Honestly? No. I'm not even mad. I've got Finn now." She turned away from Jesse. "Beer, please."

"Rache, you might want to slow down," Jesse reprimanded.

"Jesse, you don't know me. Not any more," She turned back to her beer. "Nowadays, this is my idea of 'slow'." It was true. Finn had commented on how she never got drunk, never had sex, never did anything fun. Now she was doing a lot more of all three and not really enjoying it.

"You'll ruin your voice."

"I don't have a voice any more. I've stopped singing, I'm thinking of quitting Glee"

There was silence. Heavy and oppressive, in the background the band was playing their finial number but for Rachel it seemed deathly quiet. Why had she told Jesse that? She hadn't told anyone that, not even Kurt. The truth was she was singing any more, all of her solos were being taken up by different members of the club and she wasn't really doing much. Somehow Rachel had lost her voice.

"Why? They don't stand a chance at Regionals without you!"

"As though you care, why are you even here? Shouldn't you be at UCLA?"

"I re-matriculated." Rachel snorted, of course Vocal Adrenaline wouldn't give up their star that easily. "Shelby asked me to, she carried on as coach..."

"I'm not surprised. She never told me the truth. I suppose you care because you wanted to mess with us before Regionals again? The funkification won't be any good if the opposition sucks to begin with."

"Don't talk like that! What are you doing Rachel?"

"What everyone does, Jesse. I'm doing what you did, what Kurt did, what Quinn did. I'm running away."

Jesse groaned in frustration and pulled her to the now empty stage. "Sing!" He ordered forcefully. "Sing, before you completely lose your voice. Something, anything just please – please sing!"

Jesse, in his well fitting tux, looked perfect. On the outside both he and Rachel looked stunning, inside he was just as broken as she felt. He'd been sleeping with Giselle, the awful female lead of Vocal Adrenaline and he hated himself for it. He had no idea what he was thinking really. Seeing Rachel again and not hearing her sing? - that seemed ridiculous.

Piano music filled the air, Rachel was playing. Quite well, he'd never heard her play before but she was really quite good at it, not as good as him but not bad. She played carefully, as though she had learned this one song and was determined to get it right. The song was good though. Jesse had never heard anything like this before, the notes were heavy, each one carrying a bit of Rachel's pain to his ears and making him carry it.

Then she sang. Usually she was a total diva, with closed eyes and hand gestures; she affected emotions well but sometimes lacked the emotional depth needed. Now her voice was quiet and full of sorrow and every emotion was real, she was feeling it.

_Leave me out with the waste  
>This is not what I'd do<br>It's the wrong kind of place  
>To be thinking of you<br>It's the wrong time  
>For somebody new<br>It's a small crime  
>And I've got no excuse <em>

_Is that alright?  
>Give my gun away when it's loaded<br>Is that alright?  
>If you don't shoot it how am I supposed to hold it?<br>Is that alright?  
>Give my gun away when it's loaded<br>Is that alright?  
>With you? <em>

The chorus was so full of questions that Jesse could not answer. The only one that could answer them was Rachel. He joined her singing, his voice was not as pained but the emotions were there, real and raw. Rachel sang softly _'Is that alright?' _and played the piano as he took the rest of the lyrics, carrying the song when she was too weak to.

_Is that alright?  
>Give my gun away when it's loaded<br>Is that alright?  
>If you dont shoot it, how am I supposed to hold it<br>Is that alright?  
>If I give my gun away when it's loaded<br>Is that alright  
>Is that alright with you? <em>

The ended the song together, asking the question that plagued them both.

_Is that alright?  
>Is that alright?<br>Is that alright?  
>Is that alright?<br>Is that alright?  
>Is that alright with you?<br>_

Then Jesse sang:

_No... _

"You can't tell me that it's alright Rachel. I know it's not. Your singing isn't as good as it used to be."

"I don't want to do this now Jesse," She stood up and smoothed down her pretty dress. "I'll see you when I'm sober."

"When will that be?"

"I honestly don't know."

* * *

><p><strong>AN: So, I'm pretty rubbish at writing author's notes. Sorry about that. They song was 9 Crimes by Damien Rice and clearly I don't own anything here. It's fanfiction for a reason. Thank you for reading. Next chapter will be up soon. Bye x **


	2. Chapter 2  The First Borderline

**A/N: Okay. I would like to thank all the people that reviewed. Also go and check out **_northstar61_** 's story '_Someone to Love you_' because it is simply a stunning St. Berry fic. It's Brilliant. Also sorry it's taken me a week to upload this. I have the entire story written but I just couldn't find the time to upload it. I'm sorry.**

* * *

><p>Two weeks later, on a Tuesday Jesse saw Rachel again. Her black hair was poker straight and falling across her face, obscuring it completely. The only way he knew it was her was black and gold ill fitting tee shirt that she had worn when they met a year ago. He'd hated it on her. It pained him to admit it but he'd thought about her a lot this last week. How could some one come back into your life after a year apart?<p>

In truth Rachel Berry had never left his life. It was cheesy and cliché but very honest. Jesse St. James didn't make mistakes but with Rachel he _had _made a mistake. A massive mistake. He'd spent the last few months thinking about the mistakes, rather than Rachel. He couldn't see how he could undo the mistakes and get rid of the regret.

He quickly crossed the car park of Carmel High School to stand in front of her. She was leaning against one of the matching SUVs that Vocal Adrenaline had been gifted with. "Rachel?"

"Jesse?" He thought she sounded a little surprised. Hadn't she come to his school to seek him out, to talk to him about what had happened to them?

"Are you sober now?" He asked trying to sound nonchalant. He cared about her, he didn't love her, that was all in the past. Yet he couldn't stand to see her destroy herself with drink. It hurt him to see that she had changed so much. Part of him wanted to return to find Rachel the same. Jesse wanted to belief that what he had done had not affected Rachel; he needed to believe the lie. Now she was drinking and all Jesse could think was that the old Rachel would never have done that. It was very hard to admit that the old Rachel didn't exist.

"I'm getting there," she muttered. "Jesse, I didn't come here to see you."

"Then who -?" Then he realized why she was standing against this SUV. Why she was at his school and why she looked do terrified. "Does she know?"

"Yes, I know. Rachel get in the car." Shelby Corcoran had marched up behind Jesse and was now surveying the two with marked disapproval. The hesitation in her daughter's eye's made her uncomfortable. "Now. We'll talk about this at home."

Rachel complied leaving the two of them staring at each other. "Don't hurt her."

"Jesse, I wouldn't. I'm not perfect, but at least I have some boundaries."

"Don't bring the egging up again."

"This is a hard time for her Jesse, don't make it worse." She turned to leave. "And it's a hard time for me as well, don't get in my way."

* * *

><p>The car ride was silent and it left Rachel wondering if she had made the right decision. In truth she hadn't had much of a choice, her feathers were away from home for the foreseeable future, it had started as just a weekend away but now they didn't really have plans to come back. Some distant relative was dying and they felt duty bound to stay at her side.<p>

Rachel was a little dubious at this excuse. They could come home is they wanted to, the truth is they didn't want to; they didn't want to be at home and they didn't want to deal with their daughter. She'd become an embarrassment. They didn't want to admit that she was theirs. They were running away. They'd tried to help and it had failed. The family had fought and then they had run away leaving Rachel alone.

_They love you, _Rachel reminded herself. _The always will. This is - this is ..._

Even Rachel found it difficult to explain away the problem.

The original plan had been for Rachel to sleep at a friends house, but that was impossible. Rachel didn't have a friend she could trust other than Kurt and that was out due to the break up.

Finn and Rachel had split. The day after the meeting with Jesse. Rachel lied and broke it to him gently. Finn lied and said he was upset. Rachel lied to herself that she deserved better. The truth was Finn had always deserve someone better, sweeter and nicer than Rachel Berry. She'd been terrible to him in the last few months. He'd been terrible to her as well but that was besides the point. The point was that they were broken up. The point was Rachel had no where to stay. Until the offer was made. Until a phone call was received and plans were made.

That had lead her here: to a barstool in Shelby Corcoran's kitchen. She was staying in the guest room, permanently. Shelby had let her stay with no complaints, her father's had explained the situation to her and she stepped up. She helped out. She said that Rachel could stay with her until ….until...

There was no until. Rachel was staying for good. Shelby wanted her and her fathers didn't. There was no reason for Rachel to move back home. If, or rather when, her fathers return from the side of their relative Rachel would be with Shelby. She needed Shelby then, someone who had made big mistakes like she had. Some one who had dealt with it all and come out stronger.

"Drink?"

"Coffee," there was an awkward silence as Shelby made a coffee and placed it in front of Rachel. "I don't need your charity you know."

"Charity? You, Rachel, are not charity."

"What am I? What am I to you?"

"You're my daughter. I wasn't lying when I said I could be your mother but not your mom, I'll never fill that gap in your life – But I will be here for your, always."

"Thanks. That's all I need right now, some one to be there for me."

* * *

><p>Jesse's main fault was that he wasn't dependable. He was reliable, never missing a glee rehearsal or failing a class, but you couldn't put your faith and trust into him. Even in the glory days Rachel had never quite trusted him. Jesse could see that now, but he wouldn't change. He didn't think he could even if he wanted to.<p>

Jesse thought she'd understand, she shared his need to be a star. Nothing made them feel better than the recognition of a stunned audience. Nothing beat being a star. In fact he didn't know why he was still thinking of her. She was nothing to him, in fact she wasn't even nice to him today in the car park.

"Jesse, are you okay?" Giselle asked from the door way. Jesse had been sat in his music room since he had come home with Giselle. "You haven't even played anything."

"That's not why I'm in here."

"Then why are you in here?" She snapped. "Music doesn't just enter you brain through – through – ozzi- oso...

"Osmosis?"

"Yeah that. You have to go out and find it." Jesse thought about it. Giselle was right – for once - things didn't just happen. You couldn't just be anything you wanted, you had to work for it, train for it and try for it. You had to decide what you really wanted and go after it.

Jesse St James would do just that. The only problem Jesse wasn't sure what he wanted. Did he want Rachel? Did he want to help her or love her? Did he really care?

Before you answer the difficult questions, you have to answer the easy ones.

Did he want Giselle? No.

He broke up with her them. It was painless, he didn't miss her and did regret it. Giselle seemed annoyed but it was clear that she hadn't harboured any passionate feelings for him. If there were one word for their relationship it would be convenient. It had been convenient and now it was over. Breaking up with Giselle was nothing like breaking up with Rachel, that had been filled with pain and regret and relief.

* * *

><p>Rachel looked up at Shelby in the lounge of luxuriant home, saw the light in her eyes and the smile on her lips. In that moment Rachel recognized Shelby was an amazing person. She had made mistakes but so had Rachel. Shelby hadn't quit high school, Shelby hadn't drunk like there was no tomorrow, Shelby hadn't deserted her glee club. In comparison Shelby and Rachel were pretty equal, they'd messed up but they were pulling it back together. They were in it together.<p>

"Rachel, you need to go back to school," Shelby said softly.

"I know." There was a pause. "I want to go back. Just not to McKinley, I couldn't face it there."

"I'll transfer you to Carmel, come in with me tomorrow and we'll sort it out."

"I couldn't. That would be the ultimate betrayal!" Rachel screeched causing Shelby to smile quietly, slowly Rachel was returning to the diva she used to be.

"You're going back to school, you're getting an education." Rachel snorted and even Shelby had to admit that sound corny. Corny or not the point was valid. "By not going to school you're betraying yourself."

Rachel looked unconvinced. Joining Carmel High was one step away from joining Vocal Adrenaline, the team that was going to crush her glee club at Regionals. She couldn't do that to them.

Seeing the indecision on Rachel's face Shelby brought out her winning card. "Julliard won't take you if you don't graduate."

_Then again, _Rachel thought. _There weren't her glee club any more._


	3. Chapter 3  Sadly, It's Still True

**A/N: Thanks for the reviews. They made me want to post this despite my migraine. **

**In answer to Tiff's question: This is set around Blame it on the Alcohol. I tried to make that clearer in this chapter but I hope this clarification helps. Twilight2892: It is covered in this chapter but no, she didn't.**

**Any other questions leave them in a review.**

** I don't own anything here. Particularly not the song which is 'Tell me It's not True' from the musical Blood Brothers. **

* * *

><p>The next day Rachel Berry transferred to Carmel High School. Rachel was shocked at how quickly it had all happened, the circumstances of the transfer and Shelby's strong connections had made it happen very, very quickly. It had taken two weeks for her to stop attending glee club, stop attending McKinley High and side with the enemy. In two weeks New Directions had gone from having a real chance at Regionals and then Nationals but now they were a lost club with too few members and no female lead.<p>

Today was not going to be good, Mr Shue had to tell the glee club all the bad news. Seeing them all staring up at him, hope and expectation on their faces, Mr Shue almost lost his nerve.

"I've just been in Principal Figgins' office. I have news of Rachel -" He had half expected them to shout and interrupt. This wouldn't be the first time Rachel had missed rehearsals because of emotional trauma, maybe they were holding out hope for their return. "She's transferred to Carmel High School."

There was silence. Then Puck stood and screamed a stream of profanities.

"Puck calm down," Mr Shue and the rest placated him but Puck did not stop.

He turned to Finn and shouted "This is all you fault! If you had cared about her at all, she wouldn't have left!"

"Puck, that's not -"

"Shut up! You know what you did to her! You broke her."

"Please, she was hardly singing before she left," Finn shouted. "I say good riddance."

"She was drinking, she couldn't sing because she was barely sober," Quinn muttered. This was an exaggerated view of the situation, it wasn't as though Rachel had become an alcoholic. The physical damage Rachel had suffered was nothing in comparison to her personal and emotional problems.

"Is that true?"

"Yeah, Mr Shue. It's true. She was drinking because this _jerk -_" Puck geustured wildly towards Finn "- hurt her. He ruined our best singer."

"Take that back!"

"No."

Suddenly the pair flew at each other, hurling insults and fists. Other member joined the fray, half of them trying to land a punch on Finn, half trying to pull the pair apart. It was pandemonium in the glee room. Rachel had be universally disliked but without her the club had fallen apart. They needed her. But they would never get her back.

They couldn't compete without her.

Mr Shue looked on, his heart sinking. He had just talked to Shelby and it had not be pleasant. She'd accused him of not caring for her, not realizing how bad the situation was. He had no idea she was drinking, and because he had refused to give her solos, hadn't heard her singing voice getting worse. The plan for this week's songs had been _The Dangers of Drinking _but now he realized it was too late. Mr Shue felt he had failed, the only consolidation was that Rachel hadn't joined Vocal Adrenaline, yet. Now all they could do was pull together and train Mercedes to sing the few solos that were still Rachel's.

And find someone to be their twelfth member.

Even Mr Shue knew it wouldn't be enough.

* * *

><p>"Isn't it Glee rehearsal now?" Kurt asked as the three of them sat inside the coffee shop immediately after school on Wednesday night.<p>

"Yeah," Rachel said quietly as she gazed at her drink. There was a certain amount of guilt in her voice that was not missed by the two boys. They exchanged a worried look. Rachel hadn't talked or contacted them since the party. This was incredibly unusual given the close friendship that Kurt and Rachel shared. In some unquantifiable way the boys knew what was coming, why Rachel had asked to meet them at the coffee shop so soon after school.

"And you're not there because...?" Blaine prompted.

_This was it,_ Rachel realized. _You have to tell them now. _She took a deep breath and began, "I haven't been to school -"

"-Today?" Blaine interrupted her. He sounded surprised; this was a very un-Rachel-like action.

"Since Thursday," Rachel sighed wishing this was easier. There had to be a better way to tell them this. "I haven't been to McKinley since last Thursday."

"Rachel, you really need to explain what exactly is happening. I am on your side but I can't help if I'm ignorant."

"Thanks Kurt," Rachel took a deep breath and looked into the eyes of the two boys. They were free of judgement or condemnation. they had both transfered because of bullying, maybe this would be okay. At least they could empathize. She took a deep breath and was interrupted by the buzz of Kurt's mobile phone. She told him to check it happy she could delay the inevitable for a little while longer.

It was a text. Kurt read it and blanched before mutely passing it to Blaine and letting him read it. He held the phone as though it were dangerous, placing it carefully in the middle of the table facing Rachel. She glanced at is already knowing what it would say. She saw the words glinting on the screen and her heart sank. SHe had wanted to do this right.

She had wanted to tell the two boys herself. She hadn't wanted them to read it in a text.

_Rachel has left McKinley, we're screwed._

It didn't seem to be enough. Rachel thought there was more to say but didn't know what. To her annoyance the text had covered most of it.

"Well that explains why you're not at rehearsals," Kurt said.

"Sorry," Rachel replied, not being quite certain what she was apologizing for.

They sat in silence for a while. Surprisingly Blain broke the calm that had fallen over the trio.

"Where are you transferring to?"

"Blaine!" Kurt snapped. "She's going back - aren't you Rache?"

"No."

Kurt was about to protest, to order Rachel back to school. It drag her back to reality in his familiar way. He stopped when he felt Blaine's hand on his upper arm. He spoke calmly. "We both want you to be happy Rachel. Dropping out of school is not the way to do that. Where's your tansfer?"

"Carmel."

Kurt blanched, frozen he stared at his friend. Carmel... That word carried so much meaning to them both. Vocal Adrenaline, stolen trophies, shattered dreams and betrayal. Then to Rachel it meant: promise, future and most painfully and strongly, Jesse.

"My dads are out of state, I'm living with Shelby," Rachel said. She felt more of an explanation was needed but in truth there was very little to say. " She's been lonely since the adoption didn't work out. " That was a poor explanation Rachel knew. _You didn't need to justify her decisions to any one,_ She thought.

"Okay," Kurt said. "Well that was unexpected. I'm - I'm not sure what to say - Rachel - you mean - umm-" Kury realized he was making no sense. "I can't believe your dads would desert you."

"I deserted them first," Rachel said quietly. Kurt had problems with his father and she felt bad thrusting her problems on him. He had to deal with. "They sacrificed so much for me - they gave me so much and I did nothing for them. Yes they left me, but I'm the one that did the real damage."

Seeing the unshed tears in Rachel's eyes Kurt stood and embraced his friend. As tears rolled silently down her check he whispered into her hair. "I just want you to be happy Rachel. I'm on your side and I always will be. I want nothing but happiness for you."

"I know Kurt, I know," She looked up into his eyes, her gaze flicked to Blaine and them back to him. "I want the same for you."

* * *

><p>It was Fiday before Rachel worked up the courage to explore her new school.<p>

The auditorium of Carmel high was empty. Rachel had half expected to find Vocal Adrenaline or Shelby in here. There was no one. She slipped in the back door and walked down the aisle. It was amazing to think how many people this place could hold, how large the audience would be if she were ever good enough to stand on that stage. A few months ago Rachel would have been able to imagine that perfectly. She would sing beautifully, maybe _Don't Rain on My Parade _or _I Dreamed a Dream _and the audience would be captivated by her perfect voice.

But now? She couldn't see it. Her voice had got worse, the combination of too much alcohol and too little practice had meant her singing had declined. It wasn't beyond repair but Rachel knew deep down if she didn't do something soon she would never achieve her dream.

The dream had not diminished at all. She walked up the steps to the empty stage she knew she still wanted it, she still wanted Broadway and Tony awards, she wanted it all. She slipped back stage, and flicked a few switches and the working lights came on lending the stage a depressing blue tone. She found the sound system that were linked to the massive speakers that would fill the entire auditorium with noise. There was a few CDs there which Rachel flicked through, with titles like _VA – Gaga Medley _and _VA Disney Mix._ The one in the player was labelled _VA – Regionals _which Rachel ignored. She wasn't even tempted. She pulled out a CD from a school musical and selected a track. She was surprised that Carmel High had even done this musical, it wasn't Broadway but it was still amazing.

Rachel stood in the centre of the massive stage, surprisingly pleased that the auditorium was completely empty. As the haunting music built up behind her she got ready to sing. She knew she could do this, this would be the first step of her recovery.

_Tell me it's not true,  
>Say it's just a story,<br>Something on the news._

_Tell me it's not true,_  
><em>Though it's here before me,<em>  
><em>Say it's just a dream,<em>  
><em>Say it's just a scene,<em>  
><em>From an old movie of years ago,<em>  
><em>From an old movie of Marilyn Monroe,<em>

Rachel was surprised there was backing recorded onto the CD but ignored it. It was thrilling to singing this song, it held such emotion and power. This was a truly brilliant song.

_Say it's just some clowns,  
>Two players in the limelight,<br>And bring the curtain down. _

_Say it's just two clowns,  
>Who couldn't get their lines right,<br>Say it's just a show on the radio,  
>That we can turn over and start again,<br>That we can turn over; it's just a game. _

Rachel wished life was this easy. She wished she could undo the last year and go back to meeting Shelby for the first time, wished she could have lived with her then and saved herself the heartache. She wished her life hadn't got this bad, that none of this was true. She knew otherwise and as the song drew to a close Rachel poured in all the passion that she felt. All her hopes for a better future. All her disbelief at the horrible situation. There was a shadow of the diva she had been in her performance, almost as good as she used to be, maybe slightly better.

_Tell me it's not true,  
>Say I only dreamed it,<br>And morning will come soon._

_Tell me it's not true_  
><em>Say you didn't mean it.<em>  
><em>Say it's just pretend<em>  
><em>Say it's just the end<em>  
><em>Of an old movie from long ago<em>  
><em>From an old movie with Marilyn Monroe.<em>

When she had finished there was a quiet, peaceful moment where Rachel just stood still, amazed she had sung as well as she had. Then, from the back of the auditorium there came the steady, monotonous sound of one person applauding. Looking through the dim blue lights Rachel could see a person walking down the aisle toward her. A person with curly brown hair that Rachel Berry would recognise any where.

"Well done Rachel, I didn't know you could still sing like that,"Jesse St. James had terrible timing.

"Well it's easy to sing when you think nobody's listening."

"So...I heard you transferred here," Jesse really was the master of the obvious wasn't he?

"Yeah, Shelby moved me this morning."

"You should join Vocal Adrenaline, we haven't got a strong female lead."

"Oh really?" Rachel asked with a questioning eyebrow, she knew Jesse was the star but she didn't know how good the rest of them were.

"Yeah, the line up hasn't changed since last year," Rachel snorted, that wasn't surprising. "We've got Giselle and Andrea but they can't really carry strong solos."

"Who played the lead in your last musical?" Rachel was curious despite herself. _Blood Brothers_ needed a really strong female voice to pull of the roll of Mrs Johnstone. _Tell Me It's Not True _ was one of the many solos that character had and it took real talent.

"We couldn't find anyone to play Mrs Johnstone, we ended up performing _Oliver! _And left the backing in for Giselle's Nancy," Jesse put on his most winning smile before continuing, "Please join, we could really use you."

"Jesse I know that look," He feigned innocence. "Optimism that could cure cancer? That's a showface. Which means you're lying, which means I won't join Vocal Adrenaline." She sighed deeply. "I couldn't any way, my voice isn't good enough. I can't perform in front of people without going off key."

"I'll help you with that," Jesse rashly promised. "I'll get you're voice back the way it was and you'll join Vocal Adrenaline. Alcohol hasn't ruined your voice, you just neede to regain your confidence."

"I don't know ..."

"Please. Do this for me and I'll help you." There was a long pause where Rachel ran over her options in her head. She knew instinctively not to trust Jesse, yet the reason he was doing this was completely selfish. He couldn't be setting her up for another fall, it would impact negatively on his team. She nodded slightly. "Great! We've got a VA rehearsal in here now but we'll sort something out-?"

"Sure, I'll just be going then," Rachel made to run out of the auditorium but before she did so she scribble on a piece of paper before handing it to Jesse. "I'll – um – see you around."

"Sure," he looked down to see her mobile number scribbled across a piece of old sheet music. He smiled to himself quietly, he hadn't deleted her number in the first place.

* * *

><p><strong>So no Sunshine and no Beth. Sad times. I hope this fic is easy to understand. Any questions or glaring plot holes let me know.<strong>

**Thanks for reading. Reviews are appreciated of course. I really need some constructive criticism so reviewing would help. Bye x**


	4. Chapter 4 Moving On, Looking Back

**A/N Difficult to write authors notes are difficult to write! Okay so I made you wait a really long time to read this and there are only two explanations: Procrastination. **

**Sadly I spent my limited free time looking a pictures of puppies on the internet instead of rewriting this chapter. This has meant an unduly long wait and I'm sorry.**

** However, the wait was also due to my completely changing this chapter.****I got a completely anonymous review that said: **_I love this story. I'd like to see flashbacks of the back story if at all possible. Like I would love to know what happened when Rachel called Shelby and get a glimpse of their first conversation and first night together. _**AND many other people were like yeah, more back story and more Shelby and more Kurt/Rachel/Blaine coffee dates...**

**Which meant I was like : YOU REVIEW AND SO IT SHALL BE! Which meant a really long rewrite/editing process and a long wait for you guys. Sorry. But you wanted this and so I did it. **

* * *

><p>Rachel stuck her head around the auditorium doors. Happily Vocal Adrenaline rehearsal had just finished, the final few performers were walking off the stage; the stragglers had gone and Shelby had almost finished packing up her sheet music and performance notes.<p>

Rachel slipped in quietly.

She didn't want to be noticed, yet. Intruding in rehearsal would upset them. Upsetting the show choir that ruled the school would lead to trouble. It would just be awful. Rachel unconsciously stuck to the shadows as she made her way to Shelby's desk. She felt so out of place, like an intruder.

"Hello," Rachel said awkwardly.

"Rachel? What are you still doing here?"

"I was wondering if I could get a lift back -" Rachel had wanted to say 'back home' but she couldn't. It didn't feel like home, yet. "- back with you?"

"Sure," Shelby readily agreed. She had spoken too quickly and the conversation was over too soon, an eerie quietness hung in the air between them. There was little to say and it was just too quiet.

"You could-"

"I'm sorry if -" they both began to speak simultaneously. Rachel continued reluctantly, wishing Shelby had spoken first. "I'm sorry if – if I shouldn't be here," She explained lamely. "I know the auditorium is your place and that I shouldn't be in here, particularity when Vocal Adrenaline are rehearsing. I just - well – I'm sorry. I'll try not to get in your – the choir's way."

Her broken and disjointed apology made Shelby's offer die on her lips. _You could audition for the choir if you wanted to_ would just sound terrible now. She had desperately wanted Rachel to be happy at Carmel. Involving Rachel in her show choir would upset the girl and she did not want that. She granted Rachel absolution in the hope that the girl would be happy.

"I think that's best," Shelby said even though she was sure it wasn't. She would never see Rachel unless the girl joined Vocal Adrenaline. "Come on Let's go."

* * *

><p><em>Isn't it incredibly easy to make mistakes? <em>

Rachel sat on her bed, pondering this – undoubtedly one of the great questions. Or was it? Wasn't the answer blindingly obvious?

That afternoon she had promised Jesse that she would try and join Vocal Adrenaline; that evening she had ruled out any hope she had of Shelby letting her onto the team. That was a stunning mistake. Yet being with Shelby was not a mistake, in an odd way Rachel was glad that she was living with Shelby.

Things had not always been easy with Shelby. It was clear from the start that tthings would not be perfect between them.

_Rachel was sitting in the coffee shop with Kurt, _moping into her latte. Her latte with full fat, normal milk. Normal milk. So much had changed and somehow, Rachel knew, she had lost sight of herself.

"Rachel? Kurt asked, nudging his friend softly. They were seated on the same side of the plush booth, she slumped over and leaning into his side. "Come on Rachel!"

"'Come on' what, Kurt?" Rachel cringed when she realized she was being unduly snappy and making very little sense. "What do you want me to do?"

"Sort something out, find someone to live with."

Somehow he made it sound so very simple. As though there was a queue of people that adored and appreciated Rachel for who she was and who would love her to be a part of their lives and live with them indefinitely. As though she was not abandoned by the people she loved. Finn and Jesse, Shelby and (most unfortunately) her dads, who would be leaving soon. Kurt was so naïve and had failed to consider the big question: "Who?"

Predictably there was no answer.

"Fine! I'll just stay at my house, alone." No sense. She really mad no sense.

"You can't! You'd go mad!" Kurt exclaimed in his usual shrill manner. In truth he wasn't worried for Rachel's sanity so much as her need to be looked after. She had been wuite independent, now he was loathe to leave her alone for second. She could not live alone in the state she was in, even small practicalities like getting to school and feeding herself would become a struggle.

"You'll find someone -"

"I don't want to find someone -"

"You have to find someone -"

"I don't have to -"

There was a buzz from Rachel's pocket and her embarrassing show tune ringtone spilled from the speaker making it sound faint and tinny. For a moment Kurt smiled happily, remembering their diva off to this very song, _Defying Gravity, _so very long ago.

"Answer it."

She did. In that second her future was decided.

"Hello," There was a moment of silence as the other person responded. Rachel looks flustered and confused. "Uh -hi – umm hello -"

"Who is it?" Kurt mouthed at Rachel as she slid away from him in the booth.

"Hello, Shelby," Rachel said, skilfully answering her friends question and continuing the awkward phone conversation. "Why are you calling me?"

"I almost didn't," Shelby avoided the question. She wanted to be honest but explain why she had called now would be difficult. "I was hoping this would run to voice mail."

"Sorry to disappoint," Rachel said dryly. She had 'disappointed' this woman so much; she really didn't feel sorry for it.

"Uh no – I'm glad I caught you," Shelby said brightly as she mentally berated herself. She hadn't _caught _ Rachel, she'd rung her cell phone. She'd rung her up because of some impulsive desire and now had no idea what to say.

"I called -" Shelby began and reconsidered. "I would like to meet your parents again. I need to talk to them." And this was only partly a lie.

"Can't," Rachel said being just a little petty. "Sorry."

"Why not?"

"They leave state tomorrow."

"What both of them?-"

"Yes-"

"For how long ? -"

"Unknown."

"When will they be back ?-"

"Unkown."

Shelby took a deep breath, feeling a little annoyed that Rachel was being so deliberately obtuse. This was going nowhere. Both of them realized this and had Kurt not been signalling frantically for Rachel to keep on talking she would have hung up.

"Can I see you?" Shelby asked. "Where are you staying?"

Rachel had always been instinctively honest. "I'm not sure. I don't really have a place to go."

After a bout of inappropriate honesty Rachel began kicking herself. She had said too much, she knew it. It was sometime irritating that she was so very honest. She honestly didn't mean to, it just came out.

"Oh right – I still need to see you dads before they leave." This was a lie, mother was not like daughter. "I'd like to help out."

"My house. Tonight. All right?"

"Yeah, sure. Bye, Rachel, bye."

* * *

><p>That had been the first borderline. Now Rachel was close to another. It was a Thursday. <em>The Thursday. <em>

Rachel and Jesse had the auditorium to themselves every Thursday which was spent intensively rehearsing. They had an hour and Jesse realized this was hardly going to be enough time. He really wanted Rachel to be ready to perform with Vocal Adrenaline at Regionals, which gave them a precious few weeks. He pushed her harder, accepting nothing less than perfection. It was tiring and very intense but Rachel appreciated it.

A final Thursday practice saw Jesse pacing the stage with anticipation. With Regionals a month away Jesse decide this was it. Rachel would need to go to the Vocal Adrenaline rehearsal tomorrow and be accepted and start training immediately. If she didn't there was no hope for her at Regionals. Vocal Adrenaline didn't have kick line to bury poor performers in, everyone had to be at their best. Jesse didn't know if Rachel was good enough yet.

"What are we doing today?" Rachel asked eyeing the band that Jesse had assembled on stage. "I don't know -"

"It's just a small band, they're going to back up and act as your audience. You need to be confident for tomorrow or your performance will not be good enough."

"Are we still doing the song I picked out?"

"Yeah and you're going to perform it for the rest of Vocal Adrenaline tomorrow."

"We better get going then," Rachel said with false enthusiasm, she wasn't ready.

Vocally she was stronger than she had ever been. She was better than before, the pains she had endured had made her a better performer with more 'emotional depth'. She could make Barbra jealous of the passion that she put into every performance. The confidence was back as well, she was ready to perform for hundreds maybe even thousands again, the audience was going to love her. She just wasn't ready to join Vocal Adrenaline, it still felt as though she were betraying her old team.

After a draining fifty minutes of rehearsal Jesse dismissed the band. Rachel thought she had been reprieved and that Jesse would let her have the last ten minutes as a break, a small respite before having to run to classes. She grabbed her bag and began to make her way out of the auditorium.

"Where are you going?" Jesse called. Rachel stopped moving and turned back around. She had thought they were finished but clearly Jesse had other ideas.

"I thought we were finished but clearly I was being naïve," Rachel drawled, some of Jesse's confidence had rubbed of on her.

"Come here." Rachel obeyed, dumping her bag and sweater before standing in front of Jesse feeling incredibly vulnerable. He radiated power and despite her attempts to summon her courage Rachel was uncomfortable. She really shouldn't get so close to some one who had hurt her. "Turn around and face the audience."

Rachel turned and looked over the rows of empty seats, there was no one there. Rachel became very aware of Jesse standing directly behind her. "You voice is good," Jesse said, his voice was silky and seductive. Rachel struggled to concentrate on his words as Jesse's voice became huskier. "You really need to control your breathing, this is a big room and your projection must be spot on to really fill it up. You're very petite Rachel and that means you have to work really hard to project perfectly. Take a deep breath."

Rachel took a breath but faltered; it was impossible to breath correctly when he talked like that. He took a step forward, then another. He was right behind her then, he could feel his jeans on the back of her legs, his breath on her neck, the brush of his sweater against her bear arms. He snaked his hands around her waist and settled them on her abdomen. "Breathe."

* * *

><p>Rachel couldn't help remembering when he'd held her like that before. He'd been big on physical intimacy when they were at McKinley together. He'd sneak up behind her and hug her just like this. It was a nice feeling, Rachel had always loved the backwards hugs that were so very <em>Jesse<em>.

Here mind wandered, from the backwards hugs to the picture of them together, her favourite picture of them together and the only one she had kept after the fallout.

It had been taken during Mercedes performance of _Beautiful _and Jesse was standing behind Rachel, his arms tight around her, mouths open as the harmonized to the song that was almost painfully true. They looked foolish but Rachel loved it, they were happy and silly and really immature back then but it was a _good _time that had made a _good_ photo.

That photo was on her beside table, she remember Shelby unpacking it...

_It was late afternoon_, the first day with Shelby. They hadn't talked yet, that would come later as they defined their new relationship. A quiet knock on the door signalled that Shelby was at the door.

She turned from her place on the bed to see Shelby leaning against the door jamb looking at her. She looked nice, the glow from the window sending shadows down her face and highlighting her distinctive facial features. They did look very similar.

"It's open," Rachel said.

"I know I just figured you'd want your privacy."

"The door was clearly open," Rachel said again feeling as though she were spectacularly missing the point. "Why knock?"

"I'd never enter your room without knocking," Shelby said, finally coming into the room and sitting on the bed. "It's just good manners."

_She'd called in my room _Rachel thought. _This really is for good._

She looked around at the room she'd inherited from no one. It was white, were most guest rooms white? Very white, with neutral accents. A white bread spread and white curtains. White rugs on the hard wood floor. The lamp was white. It was completely impersonal. There were no casually discarded books on the tabletops, no photographs on the walls. Nothing to attach the room to it's inhabitant. All there was was a print. A old print of a New York city scape with a lot of negative space around it before the thin, black frame separated it from the plain, white wall.

_I'll go there one day. _Rachel thought. _I'll end up there, it's where I want to be. _As she resolved to make her dreams of Broadway a reality Rachel made another resolution. She would change this room, make it personal. She would make to hers; a nice room with feeling that wasn't so, so clinical.

"It's not much," Shelby said noticing the way her daughter took in the small room. "I hope you like it."

"It's very nice," Rachel said. "Thanks."

"Would like help unpacking?" Shelby asked. In truth no help was needed but Rachel said yes anyway handing Shelby the box. Rachel had brought a box and a suitcase with her. There was very little to unpack, just a box and a suitcase. Rachel could fit her entire life into a box and a suitcase.

Shelby unpacked to box, it was full of sheet music, books and essentials. She placed each item carefully into the drawers of the desk that sat below the window or onto the shelves that lined the walls. It was funny the things you take with you, the stuff you grab when you have to flee. She smiled softly as she unpacked her daughter's most treasured possessions. She felt connected to Rachel for the first time.

Then she found the photograph. "What's this?"

"Huh?" Rachel asked, leaving the pile of clothes she was about to put away and coming to look at what Shelby was holding. She sounded blaze saying: "Oh an old photograph, it's me least year at McKinley."

"And Jesse."

"Yeah him too."

"Why did you bring it?"

"I just thought it was a nice photograph." Shelby would have accepted this if it were one amongst many photographs. It wasn't. It was the only photograph, the only still memory from Rachel's old life that she had brought forward. It was important to Rachel and Shelby wanted to know why. Still she would not press the matter.

"Are you happy Rachel?" Shelby asked, knowing she would get an honest response. "Are you glad you ended up here?"

"I don't know," Rachel said being predictably honest. "I mean I'm happy because my life is getting better and I'm pleased that we get to try again. I'm really – I dunno – hopeful for the promise and the future and stuff...I'm happy. Yes.

"Yet I would never have called you how help. I wouldn't have done that. I just wouldn't," Rachel continued looking closely at her mother and trying to convey to her that she was happy. "Most of all I'm grateful. Grateful, that you rang me, that you helped me, that I ended up here. Here with you."

"Thanks Rachel," Shelby said, placing the picture of Jesse and Rachel on the corner of the desk and looking out the window. She was so pleased Rachel had been honest but had no idea how to react. She crossed the room, pausing at the doorway to speak. "I'm going to work now, help yourself to whatever you need."

"Thanks," Rachel said and waited for Shelby to leave before moving the photograph to the empty bedside table. She liked that photograph, they were so happy in it.

* * *

><p>"Rachel?" Jesse snapped, pinching her ribs to get her attention. "Breathe!"<p>

Rachel did as she was told, taking a deep breath and feeling her diaphragm expand underneath Jesse's hands. She couldn't breath any deeper if she tried, she had pushed herself to her limit.

"Now, the D" Jesse whispered, his voice soft in her ear. Rachel sang the note perfectly. It was more powerful than anything she'd sung before. It cut through the auditorium filling the stagnant air with this perfect note. Then it failed, Rachel's voice shook and broke until she pulled away from Jesse gasping for air.

"Better." He motioned for her to come over. "Again."

So she sang it again, and again, and again. After ten exhausting minutes Rachel's projection was perfect. She sang clearly and loud enough to fill the entire room. Rachel's voice was back. She could sing the song she had found incredibly difficult with relative ease now. Jesse had pushed her and it had worked.

"Perfect," Jesse whispered in her ear. "You're perfect Rachel," he nibbled softly at the lobe, the way he had done nearly a year ago. Rachel knew she should protest but she didn't allowing him to spin her in his arms and claim her lips in a bruising kiss. It was perfect, as Jesse pulled her in and possessed Rachel felt so comfortable, pulling him closer.

Then the prefect moment stopped and Rachel sprang away from Jesse. She grabbed wildly at her stuff and fled the auditorium, making to halfway up the central aisle before Jesse had a chance to call to her.

"Rachel wait!" Knowing she shouldn't but being unable to resist Rachel stopped and turned to Jesse, standing in the spotlight on the stage. She thought he belonged there. "I sorry for everything I put you through. I've apologised before, I'll apologise again. Can't we just move on from what happened?"

"I don't want your apologies Jesse. I've already forgiven you," he voice shook as she shouted to the man on the stage. "I forgave you when I saw you at that party."

"Then come back to me. I've missed you, I've missed being with you, I've missed _us._"

Rachel hesitated. She wanted to go back to Jesse, to fall into his arms and tell him that she loved him forever. That past transgressions could be ignored and that they could be together.

"I'd be lying if I said I didn't want this. I want to be with you Jesse, I loved you." Rachel wasn't sure why she used the past tense, it seemed more appropriate. What she felt now was different to the love she felt before, it was undefinable. There was a heavy pause, before Rachel decided her fate. "Did you ever wonder why it was so easy for me to forgive you? Didn't you think I'd avoid you and run away again? Weren't you surprised that I fell back into your arms?

"I did that because I wanted us to be together, I still do," She continued although it was tearing her apart. "I've forgiven you Jesse but I can't be your girlfriend."

"Why not?" He angrily demanded.

"Because I didn't love you enough! I wasn't enough for you. I screwed you over Jesse, with that _Run, Joey Run _thing and Finn's never ending attentions. You heard about the _Jesse's girl _incident right?" he nodded. "Do you think a good girlfriend would do that? Would a good girlfriend let stuff like that happen? I was horrible to you Jesse, I mean really, really horrid. You deserve better than me."

"I forgave you! I can't hold any of that against you."

"I know Jesse, but before I can date you again I need to forgive myself."

She turned then and walked out of the auditorium. Jesse felt crushed. He had been turned down by a girl because they thought they weren't good enough for him? He couldn't understand any of Rachel's reasons for not wanting to date him. She had admitted she wanted him, that she missed him and she claimed to forgive him. Yet she couldn't be with him because he '_deserved better'_?

All that Jesse could think was _I don't want better, I want you Rachel Berry._

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><p><strong>AN: If this chapter is anything it is proof that reviews make a difference. Prior to reading your reviews this was going to go up on Thursday sans flashbacks and over2000 words shorter. Then I read your reviews and changed it.**

**So review, please and tell me what you want to see. Thanks. Bye.**


	5. Chapter 5 Second Borderline

**A/N: Don't own anything - particularly not the song. **

The next day, Rachel fled from classes, her black trainers slapping against the asphalt as she raced to Shelby's Ranger Rover. Shelby had said she could borrow it so long as it and the keys were returned to her at the end of Vocal Adrenaline rehearsals that day. Having long ago passed the requisite tests to get her license Rachel felt a little foolish as she drove with excessive care. She was good driver and although she had never gotten around to actually getting a car there was no need for her to drive as slowly as she was doing.

Having cleared Carmel campus Rachel sped up. Turning towards Lima she sped along the empty roads enjoying the comfort afforded by the plush SUV. She turned up the music on an old compilation disk and drove. She was heading to Dalton, it had been too long since she had seen Kurt and Blaine and going to Dalton would be fun.

The drive was quite long and there was very little to do, still concentrating on the road Rachel thought back to her nights with Shelby. They were growing closer, very slowly but steadily as well.

***  
><em>They had been living together for two weeks.<em>Two whole weeks and they had barely talked. Shelby was upset to realize her prediction had come true, if Rachel didn't join Vocal Adrenaline they would never see each other. Now, Rachel was studying in her room and Shelby was next door working in her study. A wall between them but it might as well have been miles; they were separated and silent, barely talking or interacting with each other. Shelby wished it could be different, she wished she knew how to fix things, she had so many thoughts and hopes for her and Rachel and none of them seemed possible.

Shelby's thoughts were interrupted by a knock on her study door. Rachel entered unbidden and looked around. Shelby's desk was sleek and modern; meticulously clean and tidy the room looked like the perfect place to work. Behind Shelby were large book cases filled with files and folders that held all of Shelby's paper work. A file was open of the desk in front of Shelby and she was focussed on her computer.

"Hey," Rachel said. "Can I talk to you?"

"Sure," Shelby said turning her computer monitor off and giving Rachel all of her attention. There was no where to sit and so she stood, somewhat awkwardly, before Shelby. "What did you want to talk about?"

"Nothing really," Rachel said feeling even more awkward. "I just thought we should talk."

"Okay," Shelby said. There was pause and Shelby offered the first thing she could think of to fill the silence. "How's school?"

"Really?" Rachel asked with a laugh. "That's the best you've got?"

"Lame, I know."

"How's Vocal Adrenaline?"

"Good," Shelby said, her eyes flicking to the only picture in the room. It was of Vocal Adrenaline, last year as they won Nationals. "They're working dead hard at the moment on lifts, we want better lifts for Regionals."

"Better lifts?" Rachel asked sounding incredulous. "The lifts are already amazing."

"They're not good enough," Shelby said as she gazed up at the photograph. "We build our performance around our star and it's not good enough."

"How so?"

"Jesse's the star but he won't be here forever. I can't focus this year's performances on him," Shelby said and she sighed. This was not an easy conversation to have with anyone let alone Rachel. "Why'd you ask?"

"Just wondered," Rachel said. "It's weird not having a glee club, I've been in one for the last two and a quarter years. Is suppose I'm living vicariously through you."

"So audition, join in."

"Feels like betrayal," Rachel said softly. They both knew that if Rachel joined Vocal Adrenaline she would eventually end up in front of her old glee club. _I can't face that_ Rachel decided. _But then why are you training with Jesse?_

* * *

><p>Why are you training with Jesse? Why are you training with Jesse? This question had been running around Rachel's head from the very start. She had been so hypocritical training with Jesse and then going back and saying it felt like betrayal to Shelby. Wouldn't she be betraying Jesse by not auditioning? Could she compete against New Directions? Would she audition that evening?<p>

So many questions! Rachel pushed them all from her mind as she turned into Dalton Academy. Lessons at Carmel ended comparatively early and so when Rachel reached Dalton people were just leaving school. Rachel parked and scanned the groups that were leaving. The boys looked so good in their uniforms, united and happy. Rachel could see why Kurt had wanted to come here. Rachel contemplated ringing Kurt when she saw him and Blaine leaving school, they weren't hand in hand or mushy and romantic. They were clearly together and clearly in love but it was subtle. Kurt would never have got that at McKinley and Rachel knew that this was the place fore Kurt. Rachel stuck her head out of the SUV and pressed the horn.

"Rachel?" Kurt shouted as he began to run towards her. Jumping out of the car Rachel landed in time to be swept into a hug from Kurt. "You didn't did you?" He asked quickly.

"I'm good thanks, how are you?" Rachel asked flippantly, admonishing her friend for not asking her. "Did I what?"

"Join Vocal Adrenaline?"

"No," Rachel wondered why he'd asked but then realized. "I'm borrowing Shelby's Range Rover, is all."

"Oh," Kurt said. Rachel couldn't quite decide on the tone of his voice, it wasn't judgmental or disappointed. It wasn't full of relief or thankful, it was indefinable.

"Coffee?" Blaine asked as he joined the pair. They readily agreed and began the short walk to the nearest coffee shop.

On the walk and most of the subsequent cup of coffee Rachel explained her dilemma to the two boys that sat and listened to her patiently - even when she went off on a tangent. She explained how torn she was and asked for their advice. "So what do you think? Should I audition?"

" I cannot believe that Rachel Barbara Berry is considering not auditioning for something," Kurt said flatly. "I'm almost disappointed in you."

"You have to audition," Blaine said. "I know you're love of music and I think joining Vocal Adrenaline would a good step for you."

"What about New Directions?" What about my old team? What about betrayal?"

"What about it?" Kurt asked. "Aside from me have you kept in touch with any one from McKinley?"

"No."

"Have any of them tried to contact you?"

"No."

"Do you owe them anything?"

Silence.

"Is there any real reason stopping you joining Vocal Adrenaline?" Kurt asked continued before Rachel could answer. I think you're just building barriers for yourself. I competed against New Directions at Sectionals and it stung a bit. I'm not going to lie; it wasn't painless. Yet I cannot regret it because I'm happier now and I enjoy being to the Warblers. I think you need to do the same. At least audition."

"Kurt's right," Blaine said. "Finish you're coffee and go audition."

"I don't know," Rachel said.

"I think you should worry more about Jesse that whether or not to join," Blaine said honestly. "I don't know the full story but I think you should be careful."

"I will," Rachel said. "I've got to go now -"

"Are you going to audition?" Kurt asked.

"I don't know."

* * *

><p>Fridays were supposed to be good days. They had once been Jesse's favourite day of the week. Fridays meant an hour and half of Vocal Adrenaline rehearsals after school and another five hour rehearsal the next day. Which mean Jesse had a whole six and a half hours in which he was the unchallenged and unrivalled star. He had hours of being admired and pandered to and Jesse St. James <em>really <em>liked being pandered to.

However, Jesse was certain this day could not get any worse. He had spent the day being very aware of Rachel Berry, he seemed to run into her at every opportunity. He noticed her in the halls, he saw her in classroom windows, he spent all of lunch unwittingly staring at her. He had spent the entire day seeing Rachel Berry when he really, _really _didn't want to. And now she hadn't shown up.

Jesse had never been stood up in his life but he was being to feel he had been today. It was on a quarter of an hour until the end of glee rehearsals and she had not appeared. Today they would start Rehearsing their routine for Regionals, Rachel _needed _to be here. There hadn't been a hint of her, she just simply hadn't shown up. This really pissed Jesse off. He put so much effort into getting her voice back together and she hadn't even tried to join Vocal Adrenaline. Was this because he had kissed her? Didn't she feel at least a little bit guilty for going back on their promise? Was she even going to try to hold up her part of the bargain?

Jesse got more annoyed as he ran through the dance one last time. He had choreographed it with Shelby and the best dancers in the group. No one liked Dakota Stanley who had choreographed most of their routines last year - including _Bohemian __Rhapsody - _Shelby was not going to waste money hiring that odious man if her choir could do better without him. It was a perfect dance with a perfect song and it was perfect for him and Rachel. He wanted to sing this song with her, he wanted to win Regionals with this song. He'd put a lot of effort into making this brilliant, even picking a song with a lot of female solos and making the dance uncomplicated for Rachel's benefit, and now she hadn't shown up. He been deserted by Rachel and left to run the song with Giselle.

"Stop!" Shelby shouted to them as they were running the number. "Please God just stop!" Jesse couldn't help feeling slightly relieved as all the dancers stop moving and he dropped Giselle from the iconic lift with less care than he probably show have shown. She glared at him but he took no notice, he was thinking only of Rachel.

The group disbanded to various corners of the stage, as they took a break to stretch and drink some water before powering through the last performance of the evening. If Shelby didn't like this final run through they would have to stay longer and work harder tomorrow. Jesse tried to pull himself together, if this was okay he could spend tomorrow afternoon with Rachel, maybe confront her for not showing up today.

"What you're lacking is feeling. You can't do this half arsed – don't give it your all and your screwed," Shelby shouted as she marched up and down the front of the stage, not caring if her choir were offended. "Seriously you're lacking something and you need to find it now!"

"What we're lacking is a strong female lead," Jesse interjected.

"Excuse me, Jesse," Shelby called. She did not like be interrupted and she _really _did not like being criticized.

"We don't have a strong enough female lead," Jesse asserted. He stepped up to the centre of the stage standing opposite Shelby."This is a demanding number and we're not good enough to do it yet."

"Jesse this is the number we are taking to Regionals."

"We _can't _take this to Regionals without a better female lead."

"We _can't _change the song!"

Jesse and Shelby faced each other down, staring at each other, willing the other one to submit and admit that they were wrong. Normally, Jesse would have muttered fine and gone back to practising but not this time, he was really confident in his argument and he felt that this needed to be sorted out now or they'd lose the competition. He faced his coach down, locked in a staring competition.

"Is now a bad time?" Rachel Berry called from the central aisle of the auditorium. When she had worked up the nerve to come to Vocal Adrenaline rehearsals she had not expected to witness a shouting match between her ex-boyfriend and her mother. She now wished she hadn't come as everyone on stage glared at her.

"Rachel what are you doing here?" Shelby asked sounding incredibly tired. "If you want the car, take it. Don't you have the keys?"

"Yeah, I just got back from Lima," Rachel said as she smiled, it was nice to share something so domestic with Shelby. "I wanted to sing - to audition."

"You can't!" Giselle snapped.

"She can - she should," that was Jesse's interjection. The rest of the choir were quiet, this did little to reassure Rachel, apathy was only a little better than total rejection when you thrived on attention.

"Rachel we talked about this, you said you didn't want to join," Shelby said, thinking back to discussions they'd had about Vocal Adrenaline and 'betraying' New Directions.

"I know," Rachel said summoning some of her confidence and marching up onto the stage. "Let me sing and then I'll go, I promise."

Shelby nodded and then ordered the rest of the choir to get off the stage. As he passed Jesse murmered, "I thought you weren't going to show."

"I wasn't - this isn't about you." She passed the sheet music to the band and prepared herself. This performance was suddenly very important. She wanted to be accepted into Vocal Adrenaline. She wanted to show Shelby how good she was. Is spite of herself she really wanted to show Jesse how good she was.

"This song is about failure, I wrote it, it's called _Get It Right_," Most of all Rachel wanted to perform her original song. She had written it for Finn a long time ago, when she was hurting her and confused. To move on she had to sing it once and the never sing it again.

The sad music built up and Rachel was glad she had changed her choice of song. As the lilting piano filled the room she was glad she had gone with the live band and not the CD. As she drew a breath, ready to sing without a microphone she was glad Jesse had pushed her so hard yesterday. Without his help her voice would not have been able to fill the large auditorium as it did now.

_What have I done? I wish I could run_

_Away from this ship goin under_

_Just tryin to help out everyone else_

_Now I feel the weight of the world is on my shoulders_

_What can you do when your good isn't good enough_

_And all that you touch tumbles down?_

_Cause my best intentions keep makin a mess of things_

_I just wanna fix it somehow_

_But how many times will it take?_

_Oh how many times will it take for me_

_To get it right?_

_To get it right?_

Jesse had never heard this song. She'd taken a massive risk choosing a song she had written and rehearsed on her own. It seemed to be paying of as she poured her heart into this song. It so appropriate. All the unanswered questions, all the disbelief, all the pain.

_Can I start again, with my fate shakin'?_

_Cause I can't go back and endure this_

_I just have to stay and face my mistakes,_

_But if I get stronger and wiser, I'll get through this_

The chorus was repeated with all the passion of before. Rachel's voice cut through the auditorium clear and true as she held the note. The music changed to reflect the passion she felt. She let her diva out for the first time since dating Finn. She held the notes perfectly, belting them out like the diva she really was.

_So I throw up my fists, throw a punch in the air,_

_And accept the truth that sometimes life isn't fair_

_I'll send down a wish and I'll send up a prayer_

_And finally someone will see how much I care_

After the power that went into the word 'care' there could be no objections to Rachel joining Vocal Adrenaline. She held it so perfectly that some of the choir had chills, not bad for soulless automatons. As she ended the song with another repetition of the chorus and the extended "_To get it right," _Vocal Adrenaline broke into quiet applause. It was nowhere near the recognition this song deserved. The members of Vocal Adrenaline didn't want to welcome an old enemy into their group but this was good, she was good.

Rachel knew the song deserved more recognition but she couldn't and wouldn't sing it again. She smiled please with her efforts and awaited the result.

"You're in," Shelby said. "Now everyone go home. Be here tomorrow for rehearsals from nine until two."

There were small moans from the group as the had an extra hour of practice the next day. Rachel slipped off the stage and received a few whispered compliments as they slipped out of the side door to get changed.

"Is that it?" Rachel asked Jesse. "I expected more drama."

"Why?" That question came from Giselle.

"I expected you to be pissed that I made it in. I expect – I don't know – I thought you'd -" Rachel stuttered, she wanted to be honest with Giselle.

"I'm not even mad," Giselle said sincerely. "In this club all we care about it winning. There's no time for hissy fits because you don't get the solo. If we get the trophy, I'm happy."

She left after that. Jesse and Rachel were alone at the front of the theatre. Rachel stepped away, not wanting to be too close to Jesse after what transpired yesterday. She pulled herself onto the edge of the stage and sat down to ensure the distance was maintained.

"Do you think she meant that?"

"Definitely. She couldn't handle the lead, not with the vocals and the dancing," Jesse replied curtly, he wasn't going to cut Rachel any slack now. He was certain that the song had be for Finn and that tore him up inside. Rachel was right, he deserved better."You're going to have work incredibly hard this next month. It's a demanding routine. Shelby will work out the rehearsal schedule with you and we'll keep up the Thursday rehearsals as well."

"And if I don't want to come on Thursdays?"

"You don't have a choice, I'll see you tomorrow." With that Jesse left the auditorium. Rachel probably deserved that, she'd be awful to him again.

* * *

><p>The drive with Shelby was quiet, music playing softly in the background. Ironically the song playing was Poker Face, the last song the pair had sung as a duet. Despite their previous problems there were growing close, and as they drove to Shelby's house Rachel knew it was more than a house, it was her new home.<p>

"I didn't know you could sing like that," Shelby said her eyes still fixed to the road. She found it easier to have these conversations with Rachel in the car. The was no possibility of getting too angry and they couldn't run away either, having conversations in the car forced them to discuss things calmly and rationally, to sort thing out and never run away.

"I didn't either. I've improved a lot recently," Rachel said as they drove through the town. "Jesse's been tutoring me on Thursday lunch times."

"Do you think that's wise?" Shelby asked.

"No," Rachel sighed. She knew it wasn't wise but she was drawn to him. "I am getting better because of it though."

"So find someone else to tutor you."

"Who?" Rachel asked and for a second their eyes locked.

"I'll do it." Rachel thought about protesting. She didn't she knew this was for the best. "I'm going to do the rehearsal schedules tonight so I can hand them out tomorrow. I'll also give you the sheet music for our song at Regionals, so you can catch up. It's going to be really intensive, particularly for you Rachel."

"I know."

They were quiet until they reached Shelby's house in a gated residential district. Shelby stopped the car but didn't get out, the conversation was not finished and she wanted it resolved before they went into the house. "Do you regret it Rachel?"

Silence.

"Not for a moment."

"Good," Shelby paused. This was hard for her to say. "I'm really glad you joined. I'm – I'm really proud of you." Rachel couldn't stop her heart from swelling. It would all be worth it. The gruelling rehearsals, the painful vocal practises, the dancing. All the sacrifices would be worth it if Rachel could make Shelby feel proud again.

**A/N: And she's into VA! This chapter did not want to be formatted properly so apologies for that.**

**Thanks for reading. Reviews are appreciated of course. I really need some constructive criticism so reviewing would help. Bye x**


	6. Chapter 6  Superboy and me

**A/N: Sorry this has taken so long. This chapter needed a lot of reworking.**

Rachel woke up early next day and felt the familiar buzz of anticipation. Today she had something to prove, she was going to go to Vocal Adrenaline rehearsals and have a ball She would be amazing!

Yet Rachel couldn't help feeling unprepared. Shelby had said anything to her yesterday, only that she was into the squad – there was no talk of solos or dances or songs. Rachel realized she didn't really know what was expected of her – she had been the co-captain of New Directions and, prior to the fall from grace, the undisputed best sing. Rachel was still worried, Vocal Adrenaline were in a class of their own, Rachel might only be required to harmonize and dance it the background.

_None of that matters _Rachel told herself, trying to believe it. _None of that matters. _She got ready quickly, her new mantra rolling around it her head. For her previous glee rehearsals everyone wore normal clothes, the eclectic mix of cheerios uniforms, letterman jackets and animal print sweaters had highlighted how different they all were. Rachel knew, from walking into Vocal Adrenaline rehearsals that normal clothes were a no-go; she pulled on her cropped pants and a bag hoodie, slipping into sandals and throwing her dancing shoes into her bag. Collecting whatever else she thought she would need and throwing them in too Rachel flew downstairs singing as she went.

"You sound happy," Shelby called from the kitchen.

"I am happy," Rachel replied gleefully. "I think today's going to be fun – difficult but really fun."

"I hope you're right Rachel," Shelby said. "Umm- Rache?"

"Yeah?" "I can't cut you any slack because you're my daughter you know," Shelby said awkwardly.

"I know, I'd be disappointed if you did," Rachel said honestly.

"Ready to go?"

"Sure," Shelby said as the slipped out of the house together a quiet smile on her face.

* * *

><p>The members of Vocal Adrenaline were spread across the first few rows of seats in the auditorium, lounging around and chatting quietly. Rachel wished she had someone to go to, someone she could talk to. She walked slowly towards the group, she could sit with Jesse. She didn't want to though, she needed her own friends here, she couldn't hang off him forever. Plus, she'd been awful to him again, he wouldn't want to talk to her.<p>

"Newbie!" Internally Rachel bristled at the greeting externally she turned and smiled at the girl that had called her. "I'm Andrea, come sit with me."

Rachel sat next to the girl and looked around. There were about thirty students in the room, all wearing tracksuits and hooded sweatshirts with 'Carmel High' emblazoned in capitals across the chest. For the first time Rachel felt part of a team. They dressed the same, they had the same goal, they shared the same motivation; in New Directions Rachel had felt at odds with them. She wanted more than they did, they didn't understand her or her need to be a star.

"Not gazing dreamily into space might help you fit in," Andrea whispered to Rachel waking her from her reverie. "You're Rachel right?"

"Yeah," Rachel said gazing around nervously.

"Don't worry, you'll fit right in. Do you want to know anything – about the choir and rehearsals?"

"Not really – I mean I don't know anyone or anything so it would take you forever to explain."

"Well let's introduce some people..." Andrea said before tapping the shoulders of the people in front of the couple. "Rachel meet Ben, Shoshandra and – my boyfriend – Johnny."

"Hey," Rachel murmured. She looked at them, a tanned and dark haired girl between two boys. None of them had egged her. Most of them had left Rachel noticed, they must have been seniors. Only two remained, a tall boy with very pale blond hair that was sitting with Jesse a few rows over and Giselle

"It's nice to meet you," the girl replied. "I'm really glad that you joined."

"Oh, why?"

"It's complicated," Shoshandra said but seeing Rachel's curious gaze. "I'm swing, I learn everyone's routines but I only perform if someone is ill or otherwise unable to perform. Your joining means I won't have to dance this number."

"And that's a good thing?"

"For me? Yeah. I'm not really into show choir."

"Hi, Rachel. I'm Ben," The boy began.

"Right," Shelby's curt tone interrupted all the scattered conversations; now they went to work, now things got real. "I have news of our competition at Regionals. This year we aren't up against New Directions or Aural Intensity like last year. We're against two new teams: Jane Adams Academy and St Seb's School. Does anyone know anything about these choirs? I don't want any espionage and _we are not_ going to funkify anyone this time around. That said any one know anything?"

"We – uh – I faced Jane Adams Academy at Sectionals last year," Rachel spoke up, she wanted to help her new team. She had slipped up when she said 'we' meaning New Directions. That couldn't happen again, she needed to prove herself to this team. "They used hairography to distract from their limited singing and dancing ability. They weren't very good, but I don't think we can be complacent, they're ambitious and might have got better."

"What songs did they do?" Shelby asked. "I saw them perform _Bootylicious _but at Sectionals they performed songs from New Direction's set list," Rachel was surprised how easy it was to distance herself from her old team. "I think they'll do a typical pop ballad."

"We have them beaten there," the boy Rachel had just been talking to called.

"Thank you Ben," Shelby silenced him. "Okay, does anyone know about St. Seb's School?"

"Yeah," the same boy continued. "My cousins go there. It's a co-ed school, it's private so the club is well funded. From my cousins' complaints, it's really old-fashioned."

"I'm not sure that really helps us but thanks," Shelby said before continuing in her business voice. "We need to nail this performance in a month. So, the swings won't be needed anymore – you're sitting this one out...everyone else on stage."

The Vocal Adrenaline members quickly moved to fill the stage, each girl going to stand by the a boy, apparently this club didn't wanted the stage to be mismatched. This was completely different to New Direction who had seven girls and only five boys when she was there. She had no idea what the line up was now. Rachel pushed all thoughts of New Direction from her head as she sat with Shoshandra watching the stage fill with students. It was odd, elven got into pairs immediately leaving Jesse, Giselle and the blond haired boy that was clearly the second in command standing at the front, unpaired.

"Rachel get up there," Shelby snapped and the teenager ran up on the stage feeling the buzz of adrenaline in her. It was good to be on the stage again, but odd as she fell into the line with the other three that weren't paired yet. Shelby seemed to consider them.

"Ethan and Jesse step back," The boys moved according to Shelby instructions. It seemed every eye was on the two girls. Shelby stared at them, the odd ones, the homeless souls. It seemed so dramatic to Rachel who gritted it out and set her chin against the inspection. "Sing off. The winner will sing the lead."

There was silence. It resonated through the auditorium as the girls stood shell shocked. This had not been expected or planned for. The solos were usually handed out by Shelby based solely on her git feeling, sing offs were seen as a overly competitive distraction.

"Pick you own songs – get moving!" There was no response to Shelby's cry, everyone was a little shocked. "Giselle go first."

Selecting sheet music and moving centre stage familiar notes filled the auditorium. Jesse bristled with anger as his estranged leading lady began to sing, Rachel clearly felt the same as they stood together at the side of the stage. Ethan placed a steadying hand on Jesse's arm as he gritted his teeth. There was no conversation between them as Giselle sang. They were thinking the same. The song only barely worked for her range and she sounded screechy. _Plus this is totally Rachel's song, _Jesse thought. _She's the only one here that could pull off Don't Rain On My Parade._

The song ended and Rachel stepped up next, handing her purple song book to the pianist before beginning. Perhaps it was cheating as she had practised this with Jesse and changed the arrangement for her voice. Perhaps it was unfair but Rachel didn't care. The music started, the entire band playing; they had rehearsed this song on Jesse's instructions and knew what to do. Guitar played and then on heavy notes from the piano Rachel sang.

_Superboy and the Invisible Girl  
>Son of Steel and Daughter of Air<br>He's a hero, a lover, a prince  
>She's not there <em>

There was slight choreography, turned away then looking at Jesse. Appropriate hand gestures between Jesse the 'Superboy' of Vocal Adrenaline and Rachel the self cast 'Invisible Girl'. Walking across the stage, face to face with Jesse, Rachel sang. Then stepped away staring up at Shelby as she delivered the next verse.

__I wish I could fly  
>And magically appear and disappear<br>I wish I could fly  
>I'd fly far away from here<em>_

_Superboy and the Invisible Girl_  
><em>He's the one you wish would appear<em>  
><em>He's your hero, your saviour, your son<em>  
><em>He's not here<em>  
><em>I am here<em>

There was supposed to be another verse here from another character but Jesse had changed the score to cut it out. Now it segued perfectly into Rachel next, slightly softer verse.

_Take a look at the Invisible Girl  
>Here she is, clear as the day<br>Please look closely and find her before she fades away_

Then Jesse ran up behind her and sang with her to the end, their voice melding together to a stunning finish. This had been rehearsed but they decided to cut it, it felt a little bit like cheating to win with Jesse backing her. Carrying on regardless, Rachel sang stepping away from Jesse and him following and taunting her. Finally they turned to each other belting the lyrics at the other one with anger and pain as though each word was ripped from their ribcage violently.

_Superboy and the Invisible Girl  
>Son of Steel and Daughter of Air<br>He's a hero, a lover, a prince  
>She's not there<br>She's not there  
>She's not there<br>She's not there _

Everyone – bar Shelby and Giselle – applauded the couple as they finished. They were still lock in an angry glare and appeared to be in character. The truth was that there were really angry with each other, Rachel because he had interrupted her performance and Jesse because she had betrayed him, he had killed himself to make this song perfect for her and she does it without him?

Shelby's voice drew them out of it. "Rachel's you're taking the lead."

"You cheated," Giselle said as the partners regrouped.

"We still won," Jesse bit back, angry with his ex girlfriend. Rachel eyed Ethan as she went to stand next to Jesse. He was very attractive with straight blond hair than was spiked slightly at the front. He had a strong jaw and beautiful eyes. The only bad thing was that he was unfashionably pale, Rachel supposed he had to have lots of make up to stop him looking like a ghost on stage. He caught her eye and smiled. He was really very attractive.

The perfect moment was ruin by Jesse yanking at her arm, clearly displeased that she had shared a connection with his team mate, and his best friend. Rachel tried to focus, she needed to nail this. She had surreptitiously watched them practice yesterday, watching Giselle closely, knowing she might have to take that role. Despite her training Rachel would find this difficult, she needed to work really hard.

Today they were focusing on lifts, and they would be until everyone could do them perfectly. Shelby had explained this in what was presumably the condescending pep talk that was a permanent feature of Vocal Adrenaline rehearsals. Rachel was not looking forward to doing the dance lifts she felt once she had conquered them the rest of the routine would be easy. Maybe it was good to have them perfected first.

The group formed up, standing on the stepped staging that was a permanent feature of the stage, Giselle pointed Rachel to her opening position. They were arranged in files, a file of four girls and then a file of four boys. Rachel took her place in the behind the central file of boys, Jesse on her left behind the central file of girls.

"Walking it through without music every one," Shelby called, it was still early days and she was on hand at the front of the stage. She called the moves and every dancer followed them. "Jesse this is your solo, step out to the left, Rachel step to the right. That's it pause. Look, then lift one! Step down and lift two! Step down, lift three! Walk, walk, embrace!"

All they were doing was mapping out where the lifts were on stage, it was important to make sure the pairing where right as alterations would be impossible later. Rachel realized the different demands that were being placed on her. She would have to do three consecutive lifts with three different partners. She was glad she wasn't Jesse, who had to sing at the same time. They walked through the entire routine, Rachel had six lifts and that was apparently 'easy' choreography. Rachel had done lifts before, she and Jesse had done a lot of lift work together in Ballet at McKinley but this was a a lot more demanding.

"Okay split into groups and get those lifts sorted. I want two spots on hand for every partner lifting. You are in charge of safety. I don't want any one getting hurt." The group broke into groups of four, with Rachel being in a group of five and Jesse working in another group of five. Shelby wanted the first lifts to be perfected by lunch time which meant Rachel was grouped with her first three partners: Ben, Ethan and Johnny and Andrea Cohen who refused to be separated from her boyfriend and her new friend.

"Nervous?" Ethan asked Rachel looked around, she nodded. "You shouldn't be, most of the horror stories you hear about VA are lies."

"Like what?" Rachel asked.

"We don't give our dancer's human growth hormones," Ethan replied smoothly. "I mean you're tiny and no one is complaining."

"I'm not tiny," Rachel huffed. "I'm five foot two!" Ethan just laughed, his entire body shaking with mirth. This earned him a glare from Jesse and a rebuke from Shelby telling them to 'get to work!' Ethan just smirked, this would be fun. Jesse was his best friend and clearly still hung up on the girl in front of him. The pair hadn't talked about it. Jesse and Ethan never talked about Rachel since the egging, but anyone could see it. Flirting with Rachel would be fun and annoy his best friend which was an added bonus.

"For the first lift I do all the work," Ethan said. "I pop you into my arms, you smile, then back down. I'll demonstrate with Andrea." Andrea stood on Ethan's left and leaned slightly into his arms. He picked her up bridal style and then quickly placed her back down. It was quick and smooth and graceful. Rachel tried it, it did not work. Ethan couldn't lift her properly and after three attempts they weren't getting any better.

"You need to trust me," Ethan murmured, close to her ear discretely making sure Jesse was watching the,. "Don't think too much, just lean back into my arms." This time Rachel leant all the way back, almost too far back. For a moment she was certain she would slip and fall until she felt her feet leave the ground. She had done it, they had done it. Ethan placed her back on the ground. "Well done."

Then they moved onto the next lift. In New Direction there would have been some small celebration that this had be accomplished, that it had gone well. Vocal Adrenaline was all business, they'd got one lift done and moved straight onto the next. Rachel normally loved to see her talents recognised but she liked the business style of VA. The finial victory would be worth more than small intermissions in rehearsals.

After two hours of uninterrupted practice Rachel ached all over. She had gone through Lift one with Ethan for thirty minutes. Then she spent the next half a hour with Ben doing a simple push lift. This one was no trouble. She held a stationary pose while Ben grasped her hips and lift her up into the air. After watching Andrea doing it a few times and Rachel trying and failing a few times as well the lift was perfect and the group moved onto the last lift.

Johnny lunged slightly. Andrea hopped forwards and was held by her hip for a moment before stepping onto the floor. It looked fairly easy and since all of her weight was supported by Johnny's hands on her waist it was simply enough Still they spent half an hour doing it again, and again, and again. Until Rachel was certain she could do it in her sleep.

The last half hour had been spent spotting for Andrea and Johnny as they ran through the lifts they would be doing later. Ethan had slipped away to work with Giselle on the lifts and timing. Ben remained with Rachel as a spotter, ready to catch Andrea if it went wrong. It didn't go wrong and Rachel felt a little superfluous. Still, the inactivity was a pleasant relief to the intensive work that morning.

"Enjoying yourself?" Ben asked. All the boys in Vocal Adrenaline seemed to be very attractive and Ben was no exception. He was tanned with thick, slightly messy black hair. He was attractive in an unconventional way, he didn't seem to care about his appearance as much as Jesse or Ethan.

"Yeah, it's nice to be part of a dedicated show choir," Rachel replied still keeping her eyes trained on Andrea and her boyfriend. They moved as one, making even the complicated lifts and aerials they were doing look simple, perhaps it was because they had worked together for so long. Rachel realized how easy her lifts were when she sneaked a look at all the other couples who had been working together for a long time making lifts look effortless. True it wasn't all brilliant, there were screams of 'get her down,' from the back as a girl nearly tumbled to the ground from a major lift, but it was a team. They worked together. Even if there was a lack of emotion in the songs they clearly had some regard for the other members of the group.

"Anything you want to know about VA?" Ben drew Rachel's attention back to the group she was working with.

"Are the spotlights so bright you have to wear sunblock?"

That summoned a laugh from Ben. "No, we only use them for performances, they're really expensive to run apparently."

"And you don't rehearse every day from two until midnight?"

"No we have Sunday and Thursday off. We never stay until midnight," Ben replied.

"But-" Andrea whined as she came out from a lift. "- we make the most of every moment of rehearsal. That hurts."

"I'll lift Rachel for a bit you rest and spot."

"I thought you had to keep on going, no matter what," Rachel said as she got ready for the lift.

"Another myth, being in VA is really different from hearing about VA. We're a team, that's why we have uniforms, we work as one," Ben whispered into Rachel's ear before lifting in the push lift.

Soon after that, the group ran the lift sequence as a one with a CD recording. Jesse and Rachel had to move in unison, be lifted in unison and sing perfectly. Everyone else was still and so any faults in the pair would be apparent. It was a timing nightmare. They kept on rehearsing the first minute of the song for an hour until Jesse and Rachel moved as though they were linked to each other.

"You have half an hour lunch break!" Shelby said down the microphone. "Be back here in thirty minutes and do not be late."

**A/N: Reviews are nice. Anon is turned on so even if you don't have an account you could write something ..**

**Also: More rehearsals next chapter! **


	7. Chapter 7 We'll Get By

**A/N: So here we have more VA rehearsals. **

**I forgot to mention, the song in the last chapter was _'Superboy and the Invisible Girl'_ and in this the song is _'Maybe (Next to Normal)'_ both of which are from _Next to Normal_ the musical which I do recommend you listen to.**

**Standard disclaimers apply. Enjoy!**

* * *

><p>Lunch break had just been called and the members of Vocal Adrenaline slipped quickly from the stage to their things that sprawled across the first few rows of seats. Many pulled out snacks and sandwiches that they had brought with them but a few were slipping out of the auditorium – presumably to go and buy lunch somewhere. Rachel went fetch her stuff from where she had left it – with Shoshandra and the others.<p>

"Nice work, newbie,"Shoshandra called affectionately.

"Thanks."

"What are you doing for lunch?" Andrea asked, she had already pulled out a pasta salad in Tupperware and was sat next to Johnny and Shoshandra, all already eating and sipping water

"I don't know," Rachel said as she rooted in her bag for her shoes pulling of her dance shoes and changing quickly. "I haven't brought anything with me.."

"Hey Rachel!" She looked up to meet the sparkling eyes of Ben. "Do you want to get lunch me with me?"

"There's your answer then!" Johnny exclaimed brightly. "Ben, the knight in shining armour must take Rachel to lunch – no other options!"

"Stop meddling," Andrea murmured before encouraging Rachel to go to lunch with Ben. She was torn, it would be nice and fun. There were no strong feelings, no romance; they'd only just me. She'd enjoy it and she'd be able to get something for lunch. Still there was a small niggling reminder, a little voice that said that it would upset Jesse.

_Still you've already be awful to him. He probably doesn't care what you do_, Rachel reasoned and grabbing her bag agreed to lunch with Ben. She liked Ben, he was sweet and nice to her. He wasn't as cocky as the other boys in the group, it was a nice relief.

"Where are we going?" Rachel asked as they walked towards the exit of the auditorium.

"We're going to run down to the café and grab a sandwich, it's not very far."

"Run?"

"Yeah."

"You expect me to _run_?" From the tone of Rachel's voice you'd think Ben had just asked her to hitch-hike to New York and bring him back a bagel.

"Not up to it, Rachel?" He asked with a devious smirk, before he could reply he broke out into a steady run yelling over his shoulder. "Catch me if you can!" Rachel laughed before running after him bursting out of the auditorium and pelting down the corridors after him. She soon caught up with him and they ran off campus and down the hill to the café together laughing as the ran enjoying the minor adrenaline trip.

Jesse St. James watched her running from the auditorium with that stupid boy, unjust and hostile thoughts in his head. _Ben Owen_, a junior but only dancer in Vocal Adrenaline, he wasn't even an alternate. He was the VA equivalent of the one that sway in background. Jesse was being too harsh, Ben wasn't a bad kid but at that moment Jesse hated him. _What has he got that I haven't?_

_A clear history_, a traitorous voice in his head said. He pushed it away, scowling at his own criticisms.

"What's the matter bro?" Ethan asked, slumping into the seat next to Jesse.

"Rachel."

"Evidently," Ethan said. "Seriously man you need to sort that out!"

"Why are you talking weirdly?" Jesse asked deflecting. "Trying to be 'ghetto'?"

"Maybe, we're doing dialects in drama," the boy explained in his normal voice before slipping back into his 'ghetto' voice. "But man, wouldn't ya wanna tap that?"

"Stop it."

"Whatever Jesse," Ethan said in a normal voice. "It's written across your face."

"Really? If it is so blindingly obvious that I'm after Rachel why did you – my best friend – decide to flirt with her?"

"To prove a point," Jesse shrugged the honesty of the statement away. "You need to sort this Rachel stuff out."

The visible and well practised eye roll combined with a blasé showface would have been enough to fool anyone, except Ethan who was his best friend. "Not going to work. We need to talk about this."

"I don't want a repeat performance of our last Rachel conversation," Jesse said thinking back to the awkward conversation in the back of the Range Rover after the egging. "I'm not a sadist and having my best mate scream at me isn't any fun."

"No screaming. I swear," that seemed to inspire some trust in the curly haired teen but there was still a heavy silence between them as Jesse petulantly refused to respond. "Why are you so angry – it was just some light flirting! You have no reason to so pissed at me."

"I'm not angry with you," Jesse gritted out as he thought of Rachel with that soppy junior."I'm angry with Ben Owen!"

"What did he do?"

"He's taken her out to lunch."

"Relax, Jesse," Ethan said. "There probably just going as friends. Now shut up and drink your Red Bull." They sat in silence, Ethan's words had placated him somewhat, still Jesse knew the truth. HE could see it in the way they had run of together, Ben wanted more than friendship and Rachel wanted –

Jesse had honestly no idea what Rachel wanted right now.

* * *

><p>"You – are – ridic-ulous-" Rachel panted as they reached the café at the bottom of the hill, it was a short run and had taken mere minutes, Rachel had enjoyed it much more than driving.<p>

"You're a pretty good runner," Ben complimented with a smile. He had annoying already caught his breath.

"Run – every- day,"Rachel panted as they walked up to the counter.

"Ben!" The man behind it said, "What do you want? The usual?"

"Yes please, Tim." He turned to Rachel. "What do you want Rachel?"

"Cucumber sandwich please and mineral water," she ordered, pleased her voice was back to normal.

"Who's the new girlfriend?" Tim asked as he lined up the order. "New girl every week."

"Tim this is Rachel Berry, she just joined the choir and she's not my girlfriend," she explained look very embarrassed. "Rachel, this is Tim. He owns this charming café and is not to be trusted, don't believe a word he says."

"Shame you're not together, Ben's really sweet,"

"Believe that," Ben advised. "Tim would never lie."

"It's a shame he's a complete loser."

"Don't believe him...He's a _liar!_"

Tim rang up the order. Ben paid before Rachel could even grab her purse. Tim called to them as they left, "See you next week Rachel."

"That'd be lovely," Rachel replied sweetly as she and Ben left the café. She turned to Ben. "What's the plan now?"

"Short walk up the hill, eat sandwiches on the way, be back on time so Shelby doesn't kill us."

"Sounds perfect," Rachel said as the began walking up the hill together. "So – Tim seems nice."

"He could charm the birds from the trees," Ben smiled. " I've been going to his café on Saturdays between rehearsals for a year and a half now. He's a friend."

"And a flirt!" Rachel exclaimed laughing.

"Yeah, sorry about that," he sounded nervous again. "I hope it didn't make you uncomfortable."

"Far from it," Rachel smiled broadly looking all around her and then back at Ben. "I feel very, very comfortable right now."

Ben was not used to her quiet honesty, unlike Jesse and it was was silence before the couple broke into deep, genuine laughter. They chatted aimlessly until they returned to the auditorium with a few minutes to share. Rachel thanked him for a lovely lunch.

"It's not over yet," He said with a winning smile. "The final treat, the grande finale, the one thing that will get you through Vocal Adrenaline rehearsals: A Red Bull." Ben handed her a can from his bag, and opened one up for himself. They sat together, as they watched the rest of the club assemble. Some hadn't left the auditorium and were munching on packed lunches, some had driven to the shops. Some had even organised an impromptu picnic on the lawn. Some, or rather one, was staring at Rachel and Berry looking very, very angry; Jesse St. James was not happy.

* * *

><p>"Splitting up again. Jesse, take Rachel, down to the gym and run the main lift sequence. I want it to be perfect. I want it to be so brilliant it's killing you. Get out of here. The rest of you are going to run the mid section, I want amazing lifts and passionate dancing."<p>

Ben released Rachel and got up. Shelby had issued instructions and they had to obey instantly. Before they broke apart, Rachel had chance to say, "That was nice, same time next week, maybe?" She received a elated 'yes' to her casual invitation before she was pulled away by Jesse to the gym.

"Well that was rather rude," Rachel snapped.

"I was looking out for you," Jesse said as he arranged some mats on the floor. "If you don't do what Shelby says you get into trouble."

"That's rubbish," Rachel said helping him lift the mats.

"Whatever Rachel, I think it's too late for apologises now."

"Fine." They breathed heavily, standing in silence for a while. This was stupid, it was petty and it was getting in the way of their performance. That was unacceptable. Rachel swallowed her pride, they could fight later but right now she need to rehearse. "I'm sorry Jesse. I'm really sorry – Can we just rehearse now please?"

They had done some of there best dancing together when they'd been angry at each other. After _Run, Joey Run_ they had been paired together ballet, executing perfect lifts and faultless dancing routines as they ignored the feelings each one was feeling and focused on perfect dancing. This meant that the nailed the first lift in mere minutes, Rachel was eager to move on but Jesse made her run it again, and again, until he judged to be perfect. His standards were higher than Rachel's and he wanted this lift to be brilliant, it would end the show. Though neither would admit it Jesse and Rachel were the perfect dance parters, it was easier to get it right, they moved instinctively as one and made far fewer timing mistakes when not together. Rachel loved dancing with Ben and the other guys but she knew that Jesse was her perfect dance partner.

Then came the iconic lift. The impossibly difficult one that relied on perfect speed and timing or would lead to painful falls. They needed this to work and they just couldn't do it. They tried and failed. And again, and again and again.

"We could cut it," Rachel suggested after a unexpected fall that would have been incredibly painful had Jesse not caught her.

"No – it's _iconic!_ We cannot cut this lift Rachel."

"Then someone else could do it. Andrea and Johnny wouldn't have any problems."

"No! This is _our _lift Rachel, we need to be able to perform it without any problems," Jesse growled and made her try again. She missed her footing and they both fell onto the mats. They lay there breathing heavily. Jesse cried out, "Why can't we get this right?"

"Maybe someone else should do it," Rachel suggested turning to face Jesse as they lay side by side.

"Don't you care about loosing the spot light to some one else?"

Rachel thought before replying honestly, "No. I care about winning."

"You're perfect here at Vocal Adrenaline," Jesse murmured, she rolled towards him. He turned slowly towards her. Their breaths mixed and slowly she pressed her lips against his, it was so tender. He pulled her close and slowly they learnt each other again. It summoned up memories of past kisses and their forbidden romance.

"Why are we doing this?"

"I don't know Jesse, you should be mad at me."

"I know." He murmured not pulling away but continuing to kiss her slowly and tenderly. He was mad and angry at her but it didn't show. His anger and pain would always be hidden behind his desire to be with Rachel, to be able to kiss her just like this.

Slowly, Rachel pulled away, "Jesse, I'm not sure I can do this again." He didn't let her go, holding onto her hips and rubbing small circles on her back with the pads of his thumbs. "I can't be you're girlfriend again."

"Then don't be my girlfriend, don't label yourself, don't be anything your not. Just -" He pressed his lips to her again. " -please don't -" another soft kiss. "-stop kissing me." They stayed like that for a while, before Rachel pulled away knowing Shelby would kill her if the lift wasn't perfect. They got a lot better after that. The lift was all about timing and now they had reconnected the mistakes were smaller and less frequent. Now they spent less time arguing and more time practising they made real progress. Rachel would still fall or mess up but every time she did Jesse would hold her, tell her not to worry, kiss her and make her try again. This continued until it was good – not perfect – but _good._ The lifts were done.

There were called back to the auditorium for a finial hour of rehearsals. They mainly worked on transitions, as there were large portions of time where Jesse and Rachel stood on the podiums and sang. In these sections the rest of the group ran the dance they had worked while Jesse and Rachel were absent.

At two o'clock exactly Shelby wrapped the rehearsal up, with one of her encouraging speeches. Handing out individual rehearsal schedules as she went. "You have to be better guys. We can't rely on the other groups not being as good as us, we have to be better, a lot better. We are up against two new choirs this time and unless you guys want to fail you have to try harder." She groaned. "I don't what it is you're lacking but this has got to get better, It has got to get better soon. At the moment you are awful, I mean really, really bad. Get out of my sight now!"

* * *

><p>That afternoon Rachel sat in the music room at Shelby's running her fingers reverently down the ivory keys of the large piano. Propped open on the music stand on the piano was the Next to Normal book Rachel practising one of her favourite songs. Unseen Shelby watched from the doorway of the room, smiling at her daughter.<p>

"Well done in the sing off today."

Rachel turned at little startled at the interruption, her fingers slipping and playing a discordant melody. "Thanks. I thought you hated it."

"No, it's a good song," Shelby said coming to stand behind Rachel, reading the score over her shoulder and watching her play. "I really like Next to Normal, I saw it when it first opened."

"Really? I'd love to see Aaron Tveit perform 'I'm alive'" Rachel gushed as she played from memory a few chords from the song in question.

"It was stunning," Shelby murmured. "I didn't know you had the book."

"I didn't," Rachel said beginning to play again, smiling as Shelby turned the page for her. "It was a present from Jesse, he brought for me when we began practising 'Superboy and the Invisible Girl.'"

"I thought you might have done that with him. The practise really showed when you performed."

"I know," Rachel said. "We changed a lot – originally the ending was different as well."

"Was Jesse meant to sing with you?"

"No."

There was an awkwardness between them as they had nothing to say. Rachel was running the same bar again and again, unable to get it right. Silently Shelby adjusted the girls fingers and the bar played perfectly as the mother guided her daughters fingers across the keys. Shelby felt a little sad, she had wanted to teach her daughter to play the piano, now she would never get the chance.

"About Jesse," Shelby began. "I know you're confused right now, Rache, but I think you should stay away from him. He's much older than you and he's not exactly prize boyfriend material. I know we've put the past behind us now but I didn't tell him to seduce you – only to become you're friend..." Shelby stopped rambling as Rachel changed the page in the book and began to play another song. Strangely but seamlessly their conversation continued in song form as Rachel played, using the lyrics to say what she never had the courage to.

"_It's so lovely that you're sharing  
>No, really, I'm all ears<br>But where has all this caring been  
>For sixteen years?<em> _For all those years I'd pray that  
>You'd go away for good<br>Half the time afraid that you really would  
>When I thought you might be leaving<em> _I cried for all we've never be  
>But there'll be no more crying<br>Not for me"_

Shelby joined her singing passionately knowing the song well having seen it performed. Their voices overlapped and melded together perfectly. They both wished there had been more mother/daughter duets butt knew it could never been.

**Things will get better you'll see**

_Not for me  
><em>**You'll see.**_  
>Not for me<br>_**You'll see**_  
>Not for me<br>_**You'll see**_  
>Not for me<br>_**You'll see**

**Maybe we can't be okay  
>But maybe we're tough and we'll try anyway<br>We'll live with what's real  
>Let go of what's past<br>And maybe I'll see you at last **

Rachel carried on playing as Shelby spoke to her. The were both revelling in the drama of the situation, both being drama queens and loving the limelight. They were so similar, they had missed so much. "Rachel – is this how you really feel? Believe me, I only wanted the best for you...I want you to be happy and normal. I didn't want to interfere."

_I don't need a life that's normal  
>That's way too far away<br>But something next to normal  
>Would be okay<br>Yeah, something next to normal  
>That's the thing I'd like to try<br>Close enough to normal  
>To get by<em>

They sang together after that ending in the promise that they both clung to. Living together had been difficult and now they would see so much more of each other. Would that be good or bad? At least they had this promise.

**_We'll get by_**

"Is that how you really feel Rachel?"

"I don't know," Rachel replied. "I used to feel like that – I was angry at you...now I just-"

"What?" Shelby asked as she lay her hands against her daughter shoulders to reassure her. "What do you want?"

"I want – I want," Rachel stuttered as she slid off the piano bench to stand opposite Shelby, looking her mother in the eye. "I want us to work." She murmured as they embrace whispering into her mother's shoulder. "I want us to work _so badly_."

"So do I," Shelby replied. "We'll get through this Rachel. Okay?"

"We'll get by?"

"We'll get by." Shelby affirmed, hugging her daughter closing, somehow she'd make up the last sixteen years. They'd do it together. They'd get by.

* * *

><p><strong>AN: So the ending is perhaps a little cliché but I thought it was alright. What did you think? Reviews are welcome and anon is turned on so you can leave a comment even is you don't have an account...***hint*hint*****


	8. Chapter 8 Thursday

At exactly ten o' clock on a Sunday morning there was a soft knock on the door to Rachel's room, it was quiet and tentative; Rachel would have missed it is she had not already been awake. She open the door to Shelby and invited her in, moving sluggishly to sit on her bed.

"Did I wake you up?"

"Been up since seven."

"You should have had a lie in," Shelby advised. "You'll be exhausted."

"Seven is a lie in as far as I'm concern," Rachel relied with a smile. "Normally I'm a real morning person. I guess rehearsals really took it out of me."

"Yeah – Vocal Adrenaline will do that to you. The success of the choir is built on the hard work of it's members."

"Is that from some lame pep talk?"

"Might be -" Shelby replied with a laugh. "You'll get used to it."

"I hope so!" Rachel exclaimed. "I need my beauty sleep. With a schedule as demanding as mine, you have to have at least eight hours sleep!" Shelby said nothing, just smiled down at the young girl in the middle of the white sheets, _her daughter. _It still felt weird admitting it. "What? What? You of all people must know the importance of rest – particularly to performers!"

"Yes Rachel – I do," Shelby said lightly.

"So why are you smiling?"

"It's just nice seeing you all happy and loud and smiling. And indignant -" Shelby add ruefully. "- I know I never really got to know you before I can tell you haven't been you're usual self recently. I have no idea what 'normal' Rachel is but – but when you're ranting about sleep patterns and sheet music or whatever it's like you're a whole another person. I like it."

"Really?" Rachel asked, feeling a little bit surprised that she was intrigued and not offended. "Most people hate that side of me."

"I love it. It's like you're just be _you.._And it's sweet and funny."

"You think I'm _funny_?

"Yes," Shelby said sliding to sit next to Rachel on the bed. "Particularly when you're complaining about show choir."

"There is nothing ironic about show choir!" Rachel exclaimed before bursting out laughing. Shelby joined in, finding her daughter laugh infectious. They feel back against the overstuffed pillows and laughed loudly, letting the peels of laughter shake their bodies. Neither of them knew why it was funny.

It finished as abruptly as it had started. The two of them leant back on the bed, both looking at the ceiling. Neither prepared to turn and face the other. "I said that at the first ever glee rehearsal at McKinley." Rachel said softly, as though she were sharing some great secret that no one knew. "We were doing _ and the lead was Artie, he had a wheelchair. It was sweet and stupid but no one else could do the part – there were only five of us in the club."

"It must have been tough."

"It was tough – and sometimes I wish I had more memories of it," Rachel said, finding patterns in the plain white ceiling that weren't even there. "I wish I'd taken more pictures, or that I'd kept in touch with them all. Or that I'd been nice and avoided all those fights."

"Fights?"

"We were quite mean to each other. Stealing boyfriends, cheating on each other. Singing songs solely to piss another another person off. High-School stuff."

"I remember when I was your age -" Shelby said wistfully, suddenly feeling old. "- I wasn't in show choir, there wasn't a choir at my school. Still I held the monopoly on the female lead in the musical for years. In Middle school I was always the lead. Then Freshman year I wasn't the lead, my part was pretty much non-existent. I had one line."

"Which was?"

"'Yes, sir.'" They laughed again, at how rubbish the one line was and how silly Shelby's British accent sounded. "Like I said – rubbish part. Opening night the lead and the understudy was sick and I stepped up, knew everyone's part inside out and said I could do."

"You didn't really poison someone so you could take there role?" Rachel asked without any judgement in her voice. It was terrible, but Rachel could emphasize. She'd had Sandy Ryherson sacked because she didn't get any solos.

"No – I don't think you can just make some one have mono..." Shelby said lightly, knowing it was, in fact, possible. "But if anyone could it would be me. She was ill for the rest of the run and didn't get to perform. The next year I got the lead from the start."

"Have you ever spoilt someone else's chance so you could get the part?"

"Yes."

"So have I," Rachel said quietly. "That's why I wasn't that mad at Jesse. I would have done the same if I thought it meant I would win. - I would have done worse."

"Have you forgiven him?"

"I forgave him ages ago... I understand why he did what he did and I don't blame him," Rachel said with her quiet honesty that shocked so many. Shelby just thought it was normal. "I want to be a star more than I want to be liked. I think Jesse is the same."

"I still don't think it would be a good idea for you two to date."

"No, neither do I." The silence was heavy. There was a lot that went unsaid. They both knew it wasn't a good idea. Still, Rachel knew it would be impossible to promise Shelby that she would not date Jesse. The heart wants what the heart wants, and her traitorous heart was fixated on Jesse St. James.

"So why were you up so early?" Shelby asked as she sat up.

"I had a Spanish essay to write," Rachel said gesturing to the the desk, where her laptop was open with a half-typed essay blinking on the screen. Textbooks and notes in Rachel's distinctive script were littered across the table, highlighters and biros discarded. She had clearly not finished.

"You're not done yet? You've spent three hours on it!"

"I had to finish some maths as well. I would have done it yesterday but I was so tired."

"I could get you excused assignments," Shelby offered looking down at Rachel reclined on her bed, obviously tired. "It's a perk of being in VA – teachers are more forgiving with deadlines and assignments."

"No, thank you," Rachel said. "I want to graduate properly ans kipping work won't help me. I know maths might not be essential in my quest for stardom and Broadway fame but I need to do this work. I'm not taking short cuts."

She was resolved, as she got up and headed to her desk to begin work again. She had work to do and would do it. Shelby was grateful that Rachel was so mature about work and responsibilities; their relationship was dysfunctional enough without the addition of rebellious, teenage angst. Shelby was enjoying their new found relationship but there was no way she could cope with Rachel at her lowest moment. She would be here, she's always be there. Shelby had decided she would not bail again. Maybe one day they'd be able to handle each others lowest lows. But not yet. Now they need to take things slow. They'd needed to learn how to walk before they started to run.

"When you're finished how about we doing something – you know – together?" Shelby sounded very awkward as she addressed the confused question to Rachel's back.

"I'd love to, Shelby," Rachel said as she turned around to meet her mother's eyes. "But I promised Kurt we'd go out today. He's picking me up at lunch time."

"Diner then?" Shelby suggested. "Family diner and then we can watch _Phantom _and complain about how rubbish _Love Never Dies _is in comparison."

"I've never seen _Love Never Dies_."

"Don't, it's rubbish." They both laughed then. They were quite alike, more so than either was ready to admit. "So, diner?"

"It sounds like you're asking me out."

"Would you rather I treat you like a five-year-old and demand you do what you're told?"

"No. Diner sounds lovely, thanks."

"Okay!" Shelby exclaimed sounding momentarily gleeful. "But I can't cook so it'll be take out. What do you want?"

"Don't mind."

"Are you vegan still or...?"

"Vegetarian with vegan tendencies. Oh and I like fish, but not fresh water or intensively farmed. No meat, not even lean. Eggs are okay..."

"I'll just put you down as 'confused fussy eater' and order accordingly," Shelby joked as she duck out of the door. After a beat her dark locks appeared again as she poked her head around the door, "Have you told Jesse about Thursday?"

"I'll get around to it."

_I'll get around to it. _ That had been her words on Sunday. She had said that four days ago, it was now Thursday, Thursday lunch time.

Would he turn up? Would Shelby have told him the arrangement? Would he walk in now to find Rachel on the stage in the empty auditorium and assume everything was as normal? She thought of all she had achieved, of their journey. He had taken her into the choir, he had got her in Vocal Adrenaline.

Rachel couldn't help but draw comparisons.

Vocal Adrenaline rehearsals were very repetitive. With New Directions they tried new songs every week hoping to find some amazing in the mix. With Vocal Adrenaline they took something they knew would be good and practised and practised until it was perfect. It was very draining, every lunch time – except Thursday - they ran vocals and vital pieces of dance. She not had a full lunch time to herself because she was a principle soloist. There had been four slightly awkward rehearsals with just her and Jesse leaning over the piano and failing to please.

They spent Saturdays rehearsing the dance. After school sessions – every week day bar Thursday -lasted between one and two hours or until Shelby let them go. All they did was rehearse the number for Regionals and after a week and a half Rachel was certain she could do the routine in her sleep.

Yet it still wasn't perfect. They still needed a whole number and Shelby had not decided what direction to take. This would not be a worry with New Direction – they were weeks away and the set list did not need to be finalised for a while. In Vocal Adrenaline they were on edge, uncertain they would have enough time to perfect the number.

Rachel's mind flew back to Shelby and Jesse. Jesse and Shelby. Either of them could turn up, Rachel just hoped they wouldn't both appear. To detract from her nerves she pulled sheet music from her bag. This song had been thrown up when she was researching for an old project. It wasn't suitable at the time but she'd been practising it recently, in a slightly more stylised version of the original and she wanted to try it out. She let the piano music play, breathing as Jess had taught her to before beginning to sing.

_There's a fire starting in my heart,_ She did not get past the first line before another voice usurped the verse. Jess sang from the back of the theatre.

_Reaching a fever pitch and it's bringing me out the dark  
>Finally, I can see you crystal clear.<br>Go ahead and sell me out and I'll lay your ship bare._

__ They sang the song through, unaccompanied and unpractised. Unperfect, it wasn't perfect but there seemed to be a connection between the two of them. It was the first time they had sang this song but it sounded good. Rachel concentrated on putting all her feelings into the song. Acting the song perfectly as she gave the lyrics her own special spin. She belted the lyrics filling the auditorium with her voice. She improvised, like she never done before and gave a soulful wail to some of the lyrics. She made the song her own. Jesse followed just as well – he sang more of the lyrics and sounded louder – but this was Rachel's song, she was excelling.

Rachel was slightly upset there wasn't an audience to hear that song, that it was just the two of them, alone. That was better than she had ever sung before. She'd really owned the music then and had given a truly breathtaking performance. She began to turn away and dismiss Jesse when she heard the microphone click on and a tinny magnification of Shelby's voice through the speakers.

"Nice."

"Shelby – I'm sorry... I meant to," Rachel shouted to her mother but she was cut off.

"Rachel, you're going to lead the second song for Regionals."

"What?" Rachel shouted peering out into the dark auditorium. "I can't! Jesse's doing Billy Joel."

"I _was_ doing Billy Joel," Rachel felt like she'd been set up. Jesse, addressed Shelby. "I told you she was good."

"Jesse, find every member of VA that I've given a solo to- get them all here tomorrow lunch time and we'll arrange a song. I want Rachel to take the lead on this but everyone's voice should be showcased okay?"

"I thought you didn't like us working together?" Rachel called from the stage. Shelby's reply was so quiet they almost didn't hear it. "I don't."

Shelby watched them as she walked up to the stage, ready to dismiss Jesse and teach her daughter. Rachel walked away from him wrapping her arms around herself, she looked so strong and weak, a walking contradiction. She had changed so much since she had transferred to Carmel High. Gone was her prissy skirts and strange sweaters, today she wore heeled black sandals, wet look black leggings and an oversize band tee shirt she had slashed and styled to resemble a dress. That outfit had a product from Kurt's visit on Sunday, now she sported a funeral wardrobe of black like Jesse. It wasn't like the times she had dressed like Britney Spears or Sandy from Grease. She was still dressing as herself, the problem was her perception of herself had changed dramatically since she joined Carmel High.

"Rachel, we need to talk about us," Jesse said sensing he was about to sent away.

"I'm not ready, Jesse." She pulled at her tee shirt. "I'm so confused. I mean why would you want me?"

"You're talented and smart and beautiful," Rachel snorted her disbelief was evident and Shelby still in the darkness of the empty seats. How would this play out?

"That's half the reason I screwed you over," Rachel continued ignoring Jesse. "In my head I knew that you would never go for me, I was a zero, a no body. I'm surprised you tolerated me for so long, I should have seen the signs."

"Rachel, stop it. Stop talking like that!" Shelby was glad Jesse had shouted that before she did.

"And now I'm not a zero, I'm not a loser. I've changed so much," Rachel said finally turning to face Jesse. There were tear tracks on his cheeks, stained black from her mascara. "I can't help think I'm still making mistakes."

"Rachel," Jesse murmured. He moved to her them and she did nothing to resist. He wrapped his arms around her and pulled her tight against his body. He rubbed her back lightly, kissing her forehead and whispering her name into her hair. This felt so good, so right. Couldn't they just stay like that forever?

"I'm sorry I pushed you."

"I'm glad of it, I wouldn't be like this if it weren't for you," She looked up into his blue eyes. "I owe you so much."

"I'd never ask you for anything," She looked up at him with a knowing look. "I don't want to ruin this again, Rache."

"Then ask for something small."

"Stop flirting with the other guys, please. If you're not ready to be my girlfriend please do that for me."

"It's a deal," She laughed then and he kissed her softly. "We should – uh – get to work." She said and they broke apart. Shelby hadn't heard any of that finial exchange and it was slightly awkward as she strode onto the stage.

"Goodbye Jesse," Shelby said with a little more care than before. "Rachel, let's look at the orginal arrangment in comparison to the John Legend."

They resumed, life went on and the moments of sharing passed. They got by.

**As usual apologies for making you wait.**


End file.
